Spiral Dance

2003-04-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

don't ask what is wrong with this blog. blogger does this all the time. I give up on this site. if you want the new address e-mail me. peace

2003-04-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

little info

Does Anyone remember this??
It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.

There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!

He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"

Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir."

The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?"

"No, sir," continued Ollie.

"No? And why not?" the senator asked.

"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."

"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.

"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.

"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.

At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.
"Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered. And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.

"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."

The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip.

By the way, that senator was Al Gore

Also:
Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners."

However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands, The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.

Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports.
YES' THIS IS FOR THE COWARDS WHO MARCH IN PROTEST OF A TRUE LEADER WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
BUT', IT WILL NO DOUBT BE LIKE ANOTHER MAN WHO ARRIVED ONE SUNDAY MORNING AND THEY LAID PALMS ON THE PATH BEFORE HIM !
YES', ONLY THE FOLLOWING WEEK THEY HUNG HIM ON A CROSS AND THE CROWD SLITHERED AWAY LIKE SNAKES, INCLUDING HIS APOSTLES, ONLY TO REAPPEAR AFTER HE WAS DEAD AND BURIED !
"HOW SAD"
If you agree that the American public must be made aware of this fact, pass this on.

2003-03-26T10:46:00.000-06:00

*laughs* uh seems LOTS of people are searching for that Cindy Osborne thingy!! I have had over 40 hits today by people looking for her stuff. RAWK ON!!!!

2003-03-24T10:11:00.000-06:00

Who's Smarter?
> > by Cindy Osborne
> >
> > The Hollywood group is at it again. Holding anti-war rallies, screaming
> > about the Bush Administration, running ads in major newspapers, defaming
> > the President and his Cabinet every chance they get, to anyone and
> > everyone who will listen. They publicly defile them and call them names
> > like "stupid", "morons", and "idiots". Jessica Lange went so far as
>to
> > tell a crowd in Spain that she hates President Bush and is embarrassed
>to
> > be an American.
> >
> > So, just how ignorant are these people who are running the country?
>Let's
> > look at the biographies of these "stupid", "ignorant", "moronic"
>leaders,
> > and then at the celebrities who are castigating them:
> >
> > President George W. Bush:
> > Received a Bachelors Degree from Yale University and an MBA from Harvard
> > Business School. He served as an F-102 pilot for the Texas Air National
> > Guard. He began his career in the oil and gas business in Midland in
>1975
> > and worked in the energy industry until 1986. He was elected Governor on
> > November 8, 1994, with 53.5 percent of the vote. In a historic
>re-election
> > victory, he became the first Texas Governor to be elected to consecutive
> > four-year terms on November 3, 1998 winning 68.6 percent of the vote. In
> > 1998 Governor Bush won 49 percent of the Hispanic vote, 27 percent of
>the
> > African-American vote, 27 percent of Democrats and 65 percent of women.
>He
> > won more Texas counties, 240 of 254, than any modern Republican other
>than
> > Richard Nixon in 1972 and is the first Republican gubernatorial
>candidate
> > to win the heavily Hispanic and Democratic border counties of El Paso,
> > Cameron and Hidalgo. (Someone began circulating a false story about his
> > I.Q. being lower than any other President. If you believed it, you
>might
> > want to go to URBANLEGENDS.COM and see the truth.
> >
> > Vice President Dick Cheney:
> > Earned a B.A. in 1965 and a M.A. in 1966, both in political science. Two
> > years later, he won an American Political Science Association
> > congressional fellowship. One of Vice President Cheney's primary duties
>is
> > to share with individuals, members of Congress and foreign leaders,
> > President Bush's vision to strengthen our economy, secure our homeland
>and
> > win the War on Terrorism. In his official role as President of the
>Senate,
> > Vice President Cheney regularly goes to Capital Hill to meet with
>Senators
> > and members of the House of Representatives to work on the
> > Administration's legislative goals. In his travels as Vice President, he
> > has seen first hand the great demands the war on terrorism is placing on
> > the men and women of our military, and he is proud of the tremendous job
> > they are doing for the United States of America.
> >
> > Secretary of State Colin Powell:
> > Educated in the New York City public schools, graduating from the City
> > College of New York (CCNY), where he earned a Bachelor's Degree in
> > geology. He also participated in ROTC at CCNY and received a commission
>as
> > an Army second lieutenant upon graduation in June 1958. His further
> > academic achievements include a Master of Business Administration Degree
> > from George Washington University. Secretary Powell is the recipient of
> > numerous U.S. and foreign military awards and decorations. Secretary
> > Powell's civilian awards include two Presidential Medals of Freedom, the
> > President's Citizens Medal, the Congressional Gold Medal, the Secretary
>of
> > State Distinguished Service Medal, and the Secretary of Energy
> > Distinguished Service Medal. Several schools and other institutions have
> > been named in his honor and he holds honorary degrees from universities
> > and colleges across the country. (Note: He retired as Four Star General
>in
> > the United States Army)
> >
> > Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld:
> > Attended Princeton University on Scholarship (AB, 1954) and served in
>the
> > U.S. Navy (1954-57) as a Naval aviator; Congressional Assistant to Rep.
> > Robert Griffin (R-MI), 1957-59; U.S. Representative, Illinois, 1962-69;
> > Assistant to the President, Director of the Office of Economic
> > Opportunity, Director of the Cost of Living Council, 1969-74; U.S.
> > Ambassador to NATO, 1973-74; head of Presidential Transition Team, 1974;
> > Assistant to the President, Director of White House Office of
>Operations,
> > White House Chief of Staff, 1974-77; Secretary of Defense, 1975-77.
> >
> > Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge:
> > Raised in a working class family in veterans' public housing in Erie. He
> > earned a scholarship to Harvard, graduating with honors in 1967. After
>his
> > first year at The Dickinson School of Law, he was drafted into the U.S.
> > Army, where he served as an infantry staff sergeant in Vietnam, earning
> > the Bronze Star for Valor. After returning to Pennsylvania, he earned
> > his Law Degree and was in private practice before becoming Assistant
> > District Attorney in Erie County. He was elected to Congress in 1982. He
> > was the first enlisted Vietnam combat veteran elected to the U.S. House,
> > and was overwhelmingly re-elected six times.
> >
> > National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice:
> > Earned her Bachelor's Degree in Political Science, Cum Laude and Phi
>Beta
> > Kappa, from the University of Denver in 1974; her Master's from the
> > University of Notre Dame in 1975; and her Ph.D. from the Graduate School
> > of International Studies at the University of Denver in 1981. (Note:
>Rice
> > enrolled at the University of Denver at the age of 15, graduating at 19
> > with a Bachelor's Degree in Political Science (Cum Laude). She earned a
> > Master's Degree at the University of Notre Dame and a Doctorate from the
> > University of Denver's Graduate School of International Studies. Both of
> > her advanced degrees are also in Political Science.) She is a Fellow
>of
> > the American Academy of Arts and Sciences and has been awarded Honorary
> > Doctorates from Morehouse College in 1991, the University of Alabama in
> > 1994, and the University of Notre Dame in 1995. At Stanford, she has
>been
> > a member of the Center for International Security and Arms Control, a
> > Senior Fellow of the Institute for International Studies, and a Fellow
>(by
> > courtesy) of the Hoover Institution. Her books include Germany Unified
>and
> > Europe Transformed (1995) with Philip Zelikow, The Gorbachev Era (1986)
> > with Alexander Dallin, and Uncertain Allegiance: The Soviet Union and
>the
> > Czechoslovak Army (1984). She also has written numerous articles on
>Soviet
> > and East European foreign and defense policy, and has addressed
>audiences
> > in settings ranging from the U.S. Ambassador's Residence in Moscow to
>the
> > Commonwealth Club to the 1992 and 2000 Republican National Conventions.
> > From 1989 through March 1991, the period of German reunification and the
> > final days of the Soviet Union, she served in the Bush Administration as
> > Director, and then Senior Director, of Soviet and East European Affairs
>in
> > the National Security Council, and a Special Assistant to the President
> > for National Security Affairs. In 1986, while an international affairs
> > fellow of the Council on Foreign Relations, she served as Special
> > Assistant to the Director of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. In 1997, she
> > served on the Federal Advisory Committee on Gender -- Integrated
>Training
> > in the Military. She was a member of the boards of directors for the
> > Chevron Corporation, the Charles Schwab Corporation, the William and
>Flora
> > Hewlett Foundation, the University of Notre Dame, the International
> > Advisory Council of J.P. Morgan and the San Francisco Symphony Board of
> > Governors. She was a Founding Board member of the Center for a New
> > Generation, an educational support fund for schools in East Palo Alto
>and
> > East Menlo Park, California and was Vice President of the Boys and Girls
> > Club of the Peninsula. In addition, her past board service has
>encompassed
> > such organizations as Transamerica Corporation, Hewlett Packard, the
> > Carnegie Corporation, Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, The
>Rand
> > Corporation, the National Council for Soviet and East European Studies,
> > the Mid-Peninsula Urban Coalition and KQED, public broadcasting for San
> > Francisco. Born November 14, 1954 in Birmingham, Alabama, she resides in
> > Washington, D.C.
> >
> > So who are these celebrities? What is their education? What is their
> > experience in affairs of State or in National Security? While I will
> > defend to the death their right to express their opinions, I think that
>if
> > they are going to call into question the intelligence of our leaders, we
> > should also have all the facts on their educations and background:
> >
> > Barbra Streisand: Completed high school
> > Career: Singing and acting
> >
> > Cher: Dropped out of school in 9th grade.
> > Career: Singing and acting
> >
> > Martin Sheen: Flunked exam to enter University of Dayton.
> > Career: Acting
> >
> > Jessica Lange: Dropped out college mid-freshman year.
> > Career: Acting
> >
> > Alec Baldwin: Dropped out of George Washington U. after scandal.
> > Career: Acting
> >
> > Julia Roberts: Completed high school.
> > Career: Acting
> >
> > Sean Penn: Completed High school.
> > Career: Acting
> >
> > Susan Sarandon: Degree in Drama from Catholic University of America in
> > Washington, D.C.
> > Career: Acting

2003-03-20T08:50:00.000-06:00

this is for Manda's post about mothers.

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams in Iraq?
They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.

They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.

A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.

By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offenders eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.

Inspectors my tail... You want the job done? Call my mother.

2003-03-19T20:52:00.000-06:00

*snicker*

2003-03-19T12:02:00.000-06:00

Subject: SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE

Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!

PASS THIS AROUND! Maybe it will get to someone in France!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Freedom isn't free. Thank a vet for yours!

2003-03-18T14:51:00.000-06:00

ok I have a journal address. if you would like it please e-mail me. :) thanks guys!

2003-03-18T09:17:00.000-06:00

are there any other free comment systems out there? My baby Krys has a full load on his now. I need a new one!! any suggestions?

2003-03-18T07:52:00.000-06:00

I give up. I even tried starting a new blog. blogger is fucked up. I think I am going to go to some other type of journal site. wish me luck!!

2003-03-17T16:46:00.000-06:00

that was a mean fucking joke. it was there for a sec now its gone..

2003-03-17T16:42:00.000-06:00

*twitch twitch* yeah. I was having withdrawals....

2003-03-17T16:41:00.000-06:00

OMG!!! they are back!!! YIPPPEE!! fuck it, I don't care where its placed on my blog. *grin* comment people comment!!!! before it stops again!!! *laughs*

2003-03-17T14:43:00.000-06:00

ok. well, I have figured out this much. no matter where I put that first line that Krys has for his shout outs(I know to keep it under the head part), you can't see my blog. But, if I take it off, you can.

I give up. I don't know what is wrong with it. everyone else's(except Manda) seems to work!! *pout*

2003-03-17T11:35:00.000-06:00

dude. I had such a wonderful weekend.

I took my mother to the casino's Saturday. no I didn't win. But we got away and had lunch. mmmmm it was good. Then my niece came over with her new hippy boyfriend. we had a VERY cool time. then, yesterday we went to the park with the gang. *nods* much fun!!

but, it really wasn't all that that made this weekend fun.

what made this weekend fun was spending time with my babies. not just my kitties. my boyz. I am really enjoying the family thing now. I am enjoying building a life with Matthew and Kegan. our bonds are growing everyday. I can't explain how I was feeling last night when I thought about leaving Matthew and coming to work. *pout* I got homesick for him. WTF?

This weekend he would catch me staring at him. Then he would ask, 'what?' oppps BUSTED!!! 'uhmmm nothing, just looking at you.' :) Reality was really kicking in this weekend. I was noticing things that I didn't notice before. interesting. very interesting. I started paying attnetion to the little things going on. how he handled stuff, and so on. I have a wonderful guy. I really do. He is so thoughtful and caring. *snuggly feeling running through my blood* He cleaned up the entire apartment Saturday while I was at the casinos with my mom. :) he so sweet. So, Sunday I let him sleep late. then I cooked him breakfast. I love to cook. *smile* feeding my man is a BIG must. Kegan must like it too cause he is gaining some weight. :)

I dunno, I just saw my life from a different angle and I liked it. I like where it is going. I like how its getting there. I used to think 'I can't imagine not going dancing at least twice a month!!! now its like 'dancing? hrm, depends on who and when' *grin* things change. yep things change....

there is so much more to life then we realize. So, much more.

2003-03-17T10:39:00.000-06:00

this is for Mel....

The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing
trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.

Men are so easy.

*snicker*

2003-03-17T08:07:00.000-06:00

I left a post. *looks around*

ok. I am doing like Manda. This is the only way you can see my blog. *smirk* so now I can say all kinds of things and not worry about comments!!! *witch laugh*

where shall I start?...*tapping fingers on desk*

2003-03-15T16:46:00.000-06:00

thanks to Shenry....

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks Soy Chai with a good shot of cinnamon and cinnamon spice prinkled on top should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

2003-03-14T15:03:00.000-06:00

ok folks now my blog is fucking up. *pulls out hair*

2003-03-14T13:43:00.000-06:00

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when
suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to
dahoner of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his
clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the
other. "What appen to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and
their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur
and I have just killed the pig."

2003-03-14T13:41:00.000-06:00

*thinking*

about stuff.

things that have changed over time. Things that have stayed the same over time.

I read Mel's blog. I had a flashback of my high school years. I felt the unhappiness again. I hated life so much. I had so much anger. so much. I took my boyfriends leather jacket and ripped it to shreds with a butcher knife. I kept it on my closet door for months. :) just so I could smile at my work. I had an awe of knives. and scissors. I used to cut my hair off when I was really pissed. I would be destructive to myself. I even hit myself. I would ram my head into door frames. punch myself in the temple. I would cut my wrists to release the tension. I never cut them too deep. just enough to hurt and bleed. I have one scar, and a little bitty scar, on my left wrist from it. There was a lot of hostility in me. My mother denied it. My father used to call me crazy. My sister smiled about it.

not the Brady Bunch, huh? I was so down on myself that I didn't care what I did to *me*. I don't think my boyfriend helped either. He used to rub me so wrong, and be so cruel that I would just boil with pain and anger. ohhh the hateful things he would do and say to me. I remember my head getting put in a toilet. getting kicked out my apartment door, and having someone walking by at the time to see it happen. I remember the eye contact with them. Then being picked up by the neck of my shirt and the waist of my pants, and being thrown back into my apartment. he started strangling me on the couch. I was so pissed and upset that I encouraged him to do it. most of all, I remember the humiliation. The feeling of uselessness. feeling alone. feeling jealous, hate, envy, dread, revenge just boiling in me. gosh, I could go on and on.

I was a walking time bomb. What a sad way to live your teens. I wonder what I would be like had I had a wonderful life then?

after I graduated is when I started enjoying life. I was freeeeeeeeee. I can't explain the animal that was set free. but she was wild. I was selfish and self-centered. I thought only of myself. I couldn't stand my family. I tolerated them. All the Christmas pictures show me hung over. I always went out during the holidays. WTF? why am I going to stay home just cause its Christmas eve? 616 is kicking. buh bye.

I was a drunk. no, let me rephrase that. I was a lush. Tammy and I drove around all day with a 12pk each drinking beer. Then we got another 6 pack while getting ready to go out. THEN I had another 6 pack while I was out. yeah. I was still walking. I don't remember walking. but I did. I LOVED beer. I mean, I could funnel a beer with a quickness. give me a garden hose, an oil funnel, and it was on. *blushing* yeah. I was a redneck. We would go places that had ladies specials so we could get drunk before we went out. We had to get shitty before we went anywhere. now that I think about it, we all were lushes. Tammy and I used to drink 2 long Islands each before leaving the house. I made 2 long Islands per bottle of alcohol. ahem. I was always the driver too. control freak anyone?

ok. no more. I am done. enough of the past. it doesn't matter now. I am moving on with my life. that was the old rachel. I am a different person now. :)

2003-03-13T14:45:00.000-06:00

I read into my sign today. I used to be a proud Scorp. I am not much like that anymore. I have kinda stopped reading it as much. It really dwells on that fact that Scorps have a lot of negativity. I see it. I know it. I feel it. I am working on it DAMN IT!!!

I have been thinking about my past some. Not the bad stuff. the good. the stuff that makes you smile to yourself, and everyone asks 'why are you smiling like that? tell me what you are thinking!' uhhhh nope. that is my little secret. I have my private cozy moments of Rachelness. I wrap my arms around me and give myself a big hug.

I think we should all do that. come on. wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. HARD!

one more time.

do it. pleeezzeeee?

ahem. now.

how do you feel? don't lie. you feel good don't you? *smile* I love you guys. I love myself too. not more, and not less. I love you all just the same. Each of you hold a special place in my heart.

even you Carrie.

Even if I said some pretty hateful things to you, I still care about you. I can't explain in words why. I just do. There are times that I want to talk to you. But, the past makes it difficult. I understand that. I am ok with it. It was a lesson. Not just for me, for you as well. You came into my life for a reason just as Matthew and Kegan did. it was all for a reason. I am thankful that I understand myself more now because of what you aroused internally in me. I didn't say I understood myself completely. I just said 'more' :)

Carrie brought out a demon in me. She made me spit fire at times. There were many times that I day dreamed about knocking on her door, and pulling her out of her apartment by her hair. I could see myself beating the shite out of her. I could see the blood fly from her face with every blow, and hear her cry out in pain. and at the time it felt fucking awesome.

now? I look at her through different eyes. I still have a little bit of resentment. But, that is my issue. that is my choice. one day it will be gone. I know it will be. I can't resent someone because of the choice *I* made. *shakeshead* it just doesn't work that way. my anger was mine alone. It wasn't hers or anyone elses. just mine. I wallowed in it. I swam in it like it was a nice cool pool on a hot summer day. But then I started having cramps. you can't swim with cramps. You have to get out and rest. You have to let those cramps subside. then figure out why you cramped, and take measures so that it won't happen again. it was a lesson.

it ALL was a lesson for me.

I made public apologies to her a few times. I didn't get a response. I didn't expect one, nor did I need one. I forgave myself. That was all I needed. That is all that matters. Its not about who forgives who. Its about letting go of the guilt that you hold while you feel that way. I thought it was anger, but it orginially stemmed from guilt. guilt that is mine to deal with, not her.

2003-03-13T14:20:00.000-06:00

When I give love, I bring you into the circle of our innocence. Love is truly a gift because it does not belong to you or to me. It is a state of consciousness we enter into when we see our equality.

Love is my gift to not just to you, but also to myelf. When I choose anything other than love, I am isolated and alone. By seeking to ostracize you, I have chosen to isolate myself.

I cannot choose to love you without also loving myself, nor can I choose to love myself without loving you. This is not a truism, but a law of life.

What is commonly understood as self love is merely selfishness. My selfishness excludes you and isolates me. But real love for myself does not exclude you. It naturally reaches out to embrace you.

Love always makes love. It never makes war. If war is happening, if struggle and pain are happening, love has not entered yet. Selfishness has closed the door and locked love out. But love is always there, waiting in the wings. As the door of the heart opens, love greets us.

Until the laws of equality are understood and embraced, the concept of Atonement means nothing. There is no exclusive salvation in this world. What is true for some must be true for all.

Love is a continual choice in our experience because in every moment we decide whether to stand with others or to stand alone. To stand alone is different than to be alone. I can be alone with you. I can be alone with myself. In each of these cases, I am in relationship.

But when I choose to stand alone, I am choosing to be separate. This is an impossible choice. I cannot be separate. No one can "be" separate. I can only "be" in relation. The very word "being" suggests relationship.

Choosing to stand apart is choosing an illusion. It is choosing a world of "non-being." It is a perverse ontological choice, a kind of psychological suicide.

When I don't feel loved, I choose to be separate. Or to put it another way, separation occurs when I accept the idea "I am not loved."

The idea "I am not loved" prevents me from giving or receiving love. It shuts off my love supply as long as I believe it. What we call ego is simply this belief and all the thoughts and actions that spring from it.

Ego wants love, but it will not ask for it. If offered love, it probably would reject it. Ego says: "Fine. If I can't have love, I'll do without it." Ego is the belief in love-deprivation and the defense built against love.

The belief "I am not loved" begins as a feeling "I do not feel loved." When I communicate this feeling, it is a call for love. I say: "I do not feel loved. Please love me."

To this point, ego still has no foothold. As long as I am either loving or calling for love, I am a being in relationship with other beings. I belong inside the Circle of Atonement.

Ego is established when I accept the idea "I am not loved." That idea is the basis of my shame. It quickly becomes "I do not deserve to be loved."

That is why it is so important that feelings be communicated. They are a bridge to the reality of inclusion. When I am able to tell you that I hurt, the hurt lessens. When you listen to how I feel, you bid me enter the circle of my innocence.

Feelings come and go. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes I feel awful. This work is not about feeling good all the time, unless that is what is real for you. This work is about feeling whatever you are feeling without losing the awareness that you are loved.

So this moment may be a difficult one for me, but I remember that I am loved. "I remember that I am loved, but I don't feel loved right now." This is my call for love.

My call for love is honest and straightforward. It doesn't deny my feeling of disconnection, nor does it capitulate to it. It does not ask me to pretend to be "connected" when I don't feel that way, nor does it "feed" my feelings of separation with confirming thoughts and actions. It simply communicates how I feel. It enables me to ask for the love I think I lack.

Every time I ask for love, I connect directly with the Holy Spirit, whose purpose is to answer me. Spirit knows that my call for love is as close to love as I can come in this moment.

Spirit does not stand back in judgment and say: "How dare you ask for love? Don't you already know that you are perfect?" It simply answers my call for love with gentle reassurance.

So long as I do not fabricate my feeling of being unloved into a belief that I am unloved, I live under Spirit's guidance. However, as soon as I let that temporary feeling of separation become a belief about who I am and who you are, then ego establishes its foothold in my psyche.

Every day I have unhappy moments. Every day my brother or sister has unhappy moments. That is the warp and woof of life, the play of consciousness. The fact that I have unhappy moments is not a judgment of me. It is simply a sign that I am still learning.

Learning my lessons as they come up, however difficult they may be, is still less difficult than pretending that I don't have to learn them. If I did not have lessons to learn, why would I choose to be in a classroom?

So I experience the highs and low of emotion. That is just fine. That is the way it is here. When I experience the highs, I move upward without becoming inflated. And when I experience the lows, I move downward without allowing myself to get deflated. I take a deep breath and re-center. I am here. Up and down are just feelings that come and go. But I am here, in the center of my being: steady, on course.

Experiencing my feelings always takes me back into balance. I ride out the high and the lows.

It is a funny thing: experiencing my feelings enables me to let them go; denying them makes me hold onto them. When I hold onto them, I begin conceptualizing them, interpreting them. They become fixed beliefs about myself, rather than the dual play of emotion that they are.

Sometimes I feel loved. Sometimes I don't. When I feel loved, I am a channel for love. And when I don't feel love, I call out for it. That is the real rhythm of my life in this embodiment. Anything other than this is embellishment. Anything other than this is a belief in inequality, a belief that I'm special, that the highs are my special reward, or that the lows are my special punishment. This simply is not true. It is just my conceit.

The Wounded Child's Journey Into Love's Embrace
by Paul Ferrini

yes, this is my next book to buy. something to chew on for a while guys.

2003-03-13T12:23:00.000-06:00

ok. I give up. I have tried NUMEROUS times to pull of your blog Manda. I can't. I can pull up EVERY fucking page on your site, BUT your blog. if you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. *grin*

2003-03-13T08:52:00.000-06:00

Mel and Manda! I am going to send those pics to you soon. promise!! my computer at home is acting up right now. *pout*

2003-03-13T08:51:00.000-06:00

This one is for JP!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day,
stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer,
and goes to Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the
co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and
asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

2003-03-12T15:07:00.000-06:00

seriously. I loved that group. I saw them at the New Daisy, Krys was there!! YO! :) sorry guys, I just had to go with my flashbacks. *nods* I really had fun when I was younger. no regrets. ahem. none. *raises head high*

2003-03-12T15:06:00.000-06:00

hesitation's dangerous
you move or you taste the dust
life is coming for us
and it laughs at persistance
flawless you are
in the distance
oh brilliance shall we dance?
you love like you're under cameras
photography will damn us
i think that you think that you're famous
if you're alive you just have to be fearless
light me some serious steps
to burn in this meaninglessness
we twist, trip, turn
but our lives just repeat us
is it all we can be just to be us?
and no one uncovers any
original sincerity
we just dance with our history
our could, would, should be
here comes the silence to kill me
yesterday i noticed i love you
i'm holding my life like a weapon above you
i have no more words
i've spent them
if we want to dance we will have to invent them
always stepping the nothinglessness
sometimes i dream we're imagining it
all that is real is the spin and the swing of steel

Oh Brilliance
by Frente!

2003-03-12T15:03:00.000-06:00

hello my friend
it's morning, time to wake now
in body, in mind
entwined will have to break now
but i need your flesh
your warmth to stay beside me
oh how i wish
you could be deep inside me
show me your eyes
your low most tender feeling
and i'll give you mine
be truthful and revealing

and it's you that i love
and it's true that i love
and it's love not given lightly
but i knew that it's love
and it's you that i love
and it's more than what it might be

when we're alone
i cannot always face you
maybe my mood
won't let these arms embrace you
but that doesn't mean
my love's somehow diminished
give me the time
to show our love's unfinished

and it's you that i love
and it's true that i love
and it's love not given lightly
but i know that it's love
and it's you that i love
and it's more than what it might be

and every word i say is true

what can i say?
the words destroy all meaning
there's only cliches
to get across this feeling

this is a love song
for john and Desha's mother
this isn't easy
i might not write another

and it's you that i love
and it's true that i love
and it's love not given lightly
but i knew that it's love
and it's you that i love
and it's more than what it might be

Not Given Lightly
by Frente!

2003-03-12T15:02:00.000-06:00

oh am i fooling you?
do you fall for it all
or do you just see right through?
are you as cool as you believe?
are you playing hard?
are you waiting just to quietly clock my card?
are you waiting for a moment to leave?

i don't know how i bent what you said
to what i believe you meant
i don't know anything at all
i'm standing in the push and shove
and i'm just within the rescue
of the labour of your love
i can't do anything but fall
a-fall, a-fall-fall-fall
why do i feel like i can never find you?
why do i feel like i'm the only survivor?
why am i thinking of -
you and me and the labour of love?

one chance, one shot
that's all anybody ever got
newborn still warm
naked in the rush hour
dancing in my gutter
and if you want to find me
call me, i'll be far from
the cars and guitars and
everybody
why do i feel like i can never find you?
why do i feel like i'm the only survivor?
why am i thinking of -
you and me and the labour of love?

and i never knew before
but i feel like a child in a cold, cold war
so strong, so tough
sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
and i don't want to dance
i just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
why am i thinking of -
you and me and the labour of love?
why do i feel like i can never find you?
why do i feel like i'm the only survivor?
why am i thinking of -
you and me and the labour of love?

Labour of Love
by Frente!

dude. *deep breath* my early 20's, how I miss those days...

2003-03-12T14:55:00.000-06:00

I had to run an errand today. I saw a flyer on a pole where someone was looking for their baby(kitty). My heart sank. I saw flyers EVERYWHERE. I mean they almost hit every pole. They live in Riverdale apartments. I came real close to calling them and asking if they found their baby yet. *sigh* I can't imagine losing one of my babies like that. If it was cause of apartment manager letting in people, heads would roll...bet.

2003-03-12T14:43:00.000-06:00

For you Manda! I have seen Garrison Star a couple of times. She is pretty good!! :)

2003-03-12T12:34:00.000-06:00

I am not sure how I feel about war anymore. When all this started I was like 'fuckem!! kill em all!!! remember 9/11!!!'

but now?

I am hesitant to say that. But, I think that what Charlie said earlier sums it up though. I hate to see the Iraq people die, but, what about our innocent people too? Its not going to stop. sorry folks. fanatics are that way for a reason. They aren't going to just stop. Not if they believe that they will be in a better place in heaven if they off 50 people and themselves. come on. get real. what have they got to lose?

Hollywood really needs to keep their noses out of this. THEY are one of the reasons why these other countries think we are so bad. THEY represent *us* to people on the outside. THEY make us look like hethens. Look at all the magazines, and stuff that just glorifies them. Democracy is one thing. I believe in it. But, where is the line? Those people(hollywood) want all the luxury, fame, money, greed, I could go on. yet, they think that WE are the hethens since we are trying to stop this other country from attacking us. they(hollywood) want all this freedom to say and do as they please, yet, THEY are doing the EXACT things that Iraq doesn't believe in, and in turn, it makes it look like the rest of the country believes in those facades as well. Which is why Iraq is so quick to rid us of living this pathetic life. the question is, Do we believe in those facades? hrm. interesting. maybe we(others, not I) do.

I truly believe that we brought all this on ourselves. In the beginning, I thought we were innocent people who were being attacked. We aren't. We have pushed our violence, hate, injustice, ignorance, etc. out for all other countries to view. What else are they supposed to think, if our movies and news show one thing, all the while, the people who aren't seen are trying to be another? How will they know what is really going on in the heart of America? They don't, because the media only shows NEGATIVE things and what they WANT to show, democracy at its best, my love. Why are we condoning, and paying for those movies that exploit terrible acts that we say we don't agree with?

we are little sheep that believe you have to BE SOMEONE to actually be someone. Perfect example: American Idol. enough said.

We look at these *stars* as if they are gods. they aren't, they are average people who, AS OF RIGHT NOW, get the chance to have the whole world see them on TV or in the movies. so? anyone, IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD can see me on the internet. so am I famous now? *laughs* Hollywood has been glamorizing the wrong aspects of life for years. And now we have another country showing us where we are wrong. Even if their beliefs are just as bad, this is still a lesson. But, are we going to learn the lesson, or fight back and possibly lose more lives?

BUT, Catch 22 here folks, If we learn our lesson, that means that Hollywood would be losing some serious money. hrm. interesting. I am sure none of them want that. so, the real question is. what is a 'life' worth? a movie? is losing a life worth someone who plays a 'negative role' in a movie losing a job?

it boils down to how we value life. How we respect each other, and how we display love towards our fellow men. Hollywood believes they are ABOVE the law(example: OJ), and the people that pay for their shite(movies, etc.). We are paying for them to be pompus asses TOWARDS us.

point--- Hollywood is making money off everything that we CLAIM we don't stand for in this country. uhhh hello?

yeah. whateva.

2003-03-12T11:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was so nice. I painted for a long time, from 11-4:15. No breaks, no lunch. just painting my ass off. I REALLY enjoyed it. I needed it. and Today I am much a better mood then I have been in a long time. I think I have found my stress relief. :)

I have $71 to blow now. 5 hours and it only cost me $28.85 instead of $55. YEAH! I can paint some more!!! It was good mindfulness. I left my phone in the car, and my life outside door. It was just me, the paint, and focusing. I wasn't paying a lick of attention to anyone there. I couldn't tell you anything about anyone that came in. I wasn't wasting precious time on them.

I did overhear one of the girls that worked there for a little while. I had to finally tune her out. She was just constantly jabbering about herself. She was one of those people who liked to down everyone. She wasn't from around here, and she seemed to be kinda snobby. shrug. it didn't phase me a bit. she obviously had some hangups, just like everyone else.

I so needed yesterday. I really did. I went by my mom's first. She took yesterday off too. She kept hinting around at doing other things, besides painting. uh no. that is why I took off. She can't take off and then guilt me into changing my plans. I told her firmly what I was doing this, and she was more then welcome to come. she declined. truth? I am kinda glad. I wanted to be alone. I LOVE my alone time. I enjoy doing whatever I want without having to hear 'are you ready? what time do you think you will want to leave? or I need..' It was all about me. YAAAAAY!

It was almost like when I used to go out clubbing and dancing alone. Next time, I go I am going to have headphones. I want to be engrossed in it. No outside distractions. the music was aight. But I can't stand country. and there was some mixed in there. But, they did play Garrison Star. I was shocked!!! I jammed to her for one fucking song and that was it. *sigh* I tried to find her music to burn but I can't. *pout* if anyone has any, will you burn me some?

but I had a good time nonetheless.

2003-03-12T08:58:00.000-06:00

A man appears before the pearly gates.

Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a

young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him

on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on

the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

A couple of minutes ago."

2003-03-12T08:56:00.000-06:00

more on that to come.

2003-03-12T08:54:00.000-06:00

RAWK ON.

An Open Letter To The Hollywood Bunch

Ok let's just say for a moment you bunch of pampered, overpaid, unrealistic children had your way and the U.S.A. didn't go into Iraq. Let's say that you really get your way and we destroy all our nuclear weapons and stick daisies in our gun barrels and sit around with some white wine and cheese and pat ourselves on the back, so proud of what we've done for world peace.

Let's say that we cut the military budget to just enough to keep the National Guard on hand to help out with floods and fires. Let's say that we close down our military bases all over the world and bring the troops home, increase our foreign aid and drop all the trade sanctions against everybody. I suppose that in your fantasy world this would create a utopian world where everybody would live in peace. After all, the great monster, the United States of America, the cause of all the world's trouble would have disbanded it's
horrible military and certainly all the other countries of the world would follow suit. After all, they only arm themselves to defend their countries from the mean old U.S.A.

Why you bunch of pitiful, hypocritical, idiotic, spoiled mugwumps. Get your head out of the sand and smell the Trade Towers burning. Do you think that a trip to Iraq by Sean Penn did anything but encourage a wanton murderer to think that the people of the U.S.A. didn't have the nerve or the guts to fight him? Barbra Streisand's fanatical and hateful rankings about George Bush makes about as much sense as Michael Jackson hanging a baby over a railing.

You people need to get out of Hollywood once in a while and get out into the real world. You'd be surprised at the hostility you would find out here. Stop in at a truck stop and tell an overworked, long distance truck driver that you don't think Saddam Hussein is doing
anything wrong. Tell a farmer with a couple of sons in the military that you think the United States has no right to defend itself. Go down to Baxley, Georgia and hold an anti-war rally and see what the folks down there think about you. You people are some of the most disgusting examples of a waste of protoplasm I've ever had the displeasure to hear about. Sean Penn, you're a traitor to the United States of America. You gave aid and comfort to the enemy. How many American lives will your little, "fact finding trip" to
Iraq cost? You encouraged Saddam to think that we didn't have the stomach for war. You people protect one of the most evil men on the face of this earth and won't lift a finger to save the life of an unborn baby. Freedom of choice you say?

Well I'm going to exercise some freedom of choice of my own. If I see any of your names on a marquee, I'm going to boycott the movie. I will completely stop going to movies if I have to. In most cases it certainly wouldn't be much of a loss. You scoff at our military who's boots you're not even worthy to shine. They go to battle and risk their lives so ingrates like you can live in luxury.
The day of reckoning is coming when you will be faced with the undeniable truth that the war against Saddam Hussein is the war on terrorism.

America is in imminent danger. You're either for her or against her.

There is no middle ground.

I think we all know where you stand.

What do you think?

God Bless America

Charlie Daniels

2003-03-11T20:12:00.000-06:00

ok. I posted a pic. I like this one. *nods* My baby did pretty damn good.

2003-03-10T16:43:00.000-06:00

We went to the mall this weekend. I saw two people from high school. The first was Adcock(we called her by her last name). I haven't seen her in years. *sigh* she was a good friend in school. She was a sweet girl. We used to party together all the time. I hate that we lost touch. I kinda forgot about her and the crowd I used to hang out with. I started hanging with another group and we all just lost touch. She was too cool. *nods* and looks even better with age. RAWK on ADCOCK!!!

uhm then I saw someone else(Josh, AKA. Mountain--he was a football player). he was someone that I used to be good friends with. I knew he wanted to sleep with me, but I never thought much about it. I even went out with him one night, it was kinda wierd. nothing happened, not even a kiss. he was pissed, in that boyish annoying way. Then we moved on with our lives. seeing each other out and stuff. A few years later I saw him again. At Cowboys. I was shitefaced drunk. I wrapped my legs around his waist and it was on. We kissed for a long time that night. ahem. I don't remember any of it. Then I saw him a few years later, this time he was married and has the most cutest little boy. Braxton is his name and he is a doll. Mountain started trying to fuck with me. I told him nope. Then he caught me off guard and we kissed. and kissed. and uhm kissed. He started calling me and stuff. I blew him off. months went by. then we talked again. and kissed. only this time I was totally turned off. He was still married and it made me sick. I wasn't really attracted to him, well I was, but then I wasn't. it was just something that happened between us. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't start seeing him. and we hadn't spoke since.

well, until Saturday. *weak smile* I could barely look him in the eyes. I know my face went ten shades of red. see I was standing there with Kegan looking around in my shop Romancing the Stone, and I heard Matthew bust out laughing(cause he was FINALLY getting his moment) and then saying 'hey man' I look up and there is Mountain. I just went limp.

ok. Matthew used to work with him at Sarcom, I think. He used to give Matthew all kinds of hell. Mountain is mean. But, a big ol teddy bear at the same time. anyway, when Matthew found out I knew Mountain(Josh to Matthew) he tripped out. He wanted Mountain to know that I was seeing him. how guyish is that?! Matthew got his glory. Mountain saw. I could see Mountains cheeks getting red. I am not sure if it was cause of me, or cause I was with Matthew. Kegan had been telling us that he had to 'PEEPEE!!!' so while Matthew ran him to the potty. While he was gone Mountain asked me, 'how long have you been seeing Matt?' *grin* I replied with 'we have been living together almost a year.' The color looked like it drained from his face. We shot the shite for a few. I congratulated him on his new fling. And she was real sweet, from what I could tell. For some reason girls don't like friends that are girls. shrug. she wasn't rude. But, I could tell she was watching closely. Later on the way home, Matthew says, 'we should have invited them over!' uhhhh no. I didn't explain why. But, I wasn't going to have to dodge Mountain at my own home. it just aint happening.

I can't explain my feelings for Mountain. He was my friend first. He was cool. He never drank. He NEVER did drugs. EVER But, he was the one that instigated the fights between the drunks. When that dude hit me in the face for being out with his girlfriend one night, Mountain saw him at Cowboys, and punched him out right there in front of everyone. and told him 'if you ever touch Rachel again I will kill you' :) YAAAAY!! Mountain! he was the one that picked me up and threw me over his shoulders and carried me out of Aqua one night. I punched this chick so hard in the eye, that the black eye went all the way over to the other eye too. yeah. I can hit like a motherfucker. *nods* for a little girl I am stronger then you think.

Mountain knows the old Rachel. He has no idea about the new one. I guess maybe that is why I was kinda avoiding looking into his eyes. I just couldn't. the Rachel that he knew wasn't going to be looking back.

people change. I wonder if he has?

2003-03-10T15:17:00.000-06:00

AHEM.

I found someone's blog. *looking innocent* I didn't mean too. I just did. :) *rubbing hands together* awwww, and it feels good just knowing...

hopefully, they won't curb their tongue now that I am reading it. *eVil grin* I would love to hear their juicey stuff.

2003-03-10T12:11:00.000-06:00

We watched The Ring Friday night. yeah. I was scared shiteless. I mean BAD. That movie jacked with my head too much. I was so on edge that I thought I was going to lose my mind. Matthew was laughing saying 'it isn't that scary' uhhhh yeah it is. When you ALREADY think that the other dimensions can interact with you, yeah its fucking scary!! of course, there was one key to it. you can't be scared when she came to you. That woman wasn't scared, that is why she didn't die, she opened herself up to understand what the girl was trying to tell her. that is why the others died with that scared look on their faces. They didn't know what was going on. The other deminsions can't hurt you UNLESS you are scared of them.
,
*sigh* I am going to watch it again. I am kinda worried about it though. After telling my mother the plot, the images, and stuff, she said 'don't watch that again, you might open yourself up to something' :) I know. that is why I was scared!!! what if that movie did something to you so that you are open to the other dimensions? Subliminal stuff is real. you never know what you are really watching.

*nods* yes, I think too much.

2003-03-10T11:36:00.000-06:00

:) I have pics!! Matthew took pics of me Saturday night. no, I haven't posted them yet. But, I am, uhmmm some of them. He did AWESOME!!! *laughs* he asked me to put on some matching underwear. uhhhh, I don't have any. *blushing* I am soooo not girlie! but anyway, I put on some stuff and he did a really good job. He took the pics on our new round carpet. It looks REALLY good in the background. The black and whites he took also look good. He took the time to get the lighting right and everything. *nods* he is the man. I have shots with bra and panties, just a bra, and then nothing at all. Some he had me strattling a mirror. pretty interesting turn out. you see muff, without really seeing muff. :) The pics were done in good taste. You didn't really seen anything in most of them(well, the ones with the undies on that is). Its hard to explain. It depends on how the pic was taken. anyway,

I felt really good while he took the pics. I felt good after looking at them too. I didn't down myself like I ususally do. He had already warned me that if I started that I couldn't look at them. *grin* But, I really couldn't complain. He did a good job. I can't wait for him to take more. Yes, I am going to have to go buy some undies that match for it next time. I need to tan a little more too. HELL YEAH!! bring on the camera!!

uhm, yes, Mel and Manda, I will be e-mailing some to you. *wink*

2003-03-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife:
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies,

"Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.

2003-03-07T14:31:00.000-06:00

I sat down last night to watch Clockwork Orange. I read somewhere that if movies had an astrology sign for them this one would be Scorpio. So, I wanted to see it. Ok, first off. I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. I am not sure what I was expecting. But, I was kinda irritated about the violence. hence, why I wasn't sure about it. It was kinda cheesy, but Iike Raising Arizona so I can't hold that against it. I fell asleep in the middle of it. :( it was already a day late. so I took it back this morning. I started searching for it on the internet. found interesting info on it. so, now I want to watch it again and see how I feel about it. sometimes movies do me like music does. if I am not in the right mood I just don't like it. give me a little bit and I will love it.

if anyone has seen it, can you tell me what you think about it?

2003-03-07T09:47:00.000-06:00

We went to Petco and picked up some fish Sunday. We got 2 Red Zebras, that pic is cool cause that is how the two were. One was lighter then the other. We also got another pretty fish that Kegan calls George Corn Wick. At first it was just George Corn, but I think he decided that the fish needed a last name. :) a child's imagination. *sigh* they are so special. So, I asked Matthew what we were going to name the other two. He informed me that you don't name fish.

why? I asked.

My answer was given to me Wednesday night before class. I noticed one of the red zebras at the bottom of the tank struggling to survive. He was lieing there with his gills expanding and contracting heavily. I called Matthew frantic, cause I didn't want him to die. He told me this is the chance you take when you buy them. *nods* I understood that. So, I put in the medicine like he directed me too. And watched. The red zebra was trying to live, then the other fish started picking at him. I got a fish net and scooped him up. I kept it in the tank, so the others couldn't get to him. I sat there watching him struggle for life. I watched the life literally come out of him. It was the most wonderful, yet depressing thing I have seen. I watched him gasp for life for over 10 minutes. Then I saw exactly when he died. I watched him shiver the last bit of his energy out of his little body. It was something that I will remember forever. It was unbelievable.

I called Matthew, and told him he was gone. Matthew asked me if I was ok. He knows me too well. *weak smile* I was ok. I was just kinda taken off guard by the situation. I wasn't expecting to literally see the life come out of him. But, I did. I was there with him. He wasn't alone. He had this giant of some kind looking down loving, talking to him sweetly, and telling him to fight it. I didn't cry. I wanted to at first. But, then a loving thought went through me. like a warm feeling of contentment. It was just like that feeling you get when you are at home and know you are safe and sound. that snuggly, full of love feeling. Then a soft whisper of a thought came into my mind. All animals and humans are going to die. its not sad, its a release. He is in a better place. He is not suffering.

yes, I believe that animals have souls. I don't believe that we are the only ones with them. I read that animals have guardian angels just like us. I can totally see that. why? cause my little girl(Baby Dyna) is living proof. She was this tiny baby kitten that was all alone in a school that was being rewired. There were no other cats or kittens around. she was protected and saved by something. Someone was looking out for her. Then they brought her to Matthew. I think she knows that she was saved and considers herself very lucky for that. She is the happiest cat I have ever had. I can hear her purr from across the room. :) As soon as she sees me she purrs her ass off.

back to the orginial story, I took that situation and I was with it. I have always been a tender hearted person when it comes to animals. I worry about them more then humans. I was brought up that animals are fragile creatures of God and we must love, protect, and take care of them. If I see anyone mistreating an animal I will say something without a hesitation. I stopped in the middle of the street in Southaven one day cause this person was coming across their yard about to hit a dog that was tied to a tree with a stick. I came to a screetching hault and stared at them. I mean I was directly infront of their house. They stood there for a second looking back. Then turned around in went back inside. I wasn't playing. And I am still not playing. Don't take your personal issues out on innocent animals. how cowardly is that? what does it prove? that you can beat up on small animals? wow, you the man! hrm. funny, how would that person feel if something MUCH bigger then he came after him? he wouldn't understand why it was happening to him. *nods* same thing goes for animals.

ok. I don't want to go into a rant. I can see it coming.

*deep breath*

the point of all this, was to explain that I got to experience the beauty of death. I have never in my life see it from that aspect. I saw it for what it truly was. A passage to the next phase. Granted, to most people they would say 'it was just a silly fish' true, it was just a fish. but, that fish was something that had to have 'life' to be what it was. That fish grew just like we did. That fish was brought into this world by a mother and a father fish. A fish is still a living creature. It might not be as intelligent as us, but that fish still breathed(but in water not air, like us), ate, shite, etc. just like us. so what really makes a it any different? the fact that it can't hold a job? that it can't answer you if you ask it a question? that it can't buy a car? or, that it couldn't even drive it? so, what makes something that is a living creature any different from us? You can't judge it by intelligence. I know dogs that are smarter then humans. come on. I need a better reason. how can we disregard living creatures, just because we don't *think* they are equal to us? what if some other life comes to earth and says 'ya know, you are pretty dumb, and can't even begin to compare to us. you must be put in pins and treated like those animals you have.' how would that make us feel? we would feel that that was unjust. but, yet we do it all the time to creatures that can't protect themselves from us.

I think that Gorillas shouldn't be kept in Zoo's. I think its cruel and inhumane. they know that people are starting and making fun. EVERYTIME I go I get upset. people stand around laughing, pointing, making faces, and causing them to get depressed, upset, and embrassed. Those gorillas literally turn their backs to people so they don't have to endure it. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. Its so sad. those people might one day be on display exactly the same way. But, being that they can hold a conversation with us they can tell us how it makes them feel. the gorilla shows us, and yet we still ignore its cry for peace.

ok. fuck it, I am done. I can't talk about it without going into a rant. you get the jest of my thoughts.

2003-03-07T08:30:00.000-06:00

well. I sent the letter to my ex-landlord yesterday. I pretty much told him that if he didn't give me my motherfucking money back I was going to come to his office and break his God fearing neck. I was tired of his childish games, and if I half to take his stinkin ass to court I will. I informed him that I knew where he lived and he BETTER think about what he is doing.

ahem.

sounded good didn't it? Do you think I am going to get my money back? I think that will intimate him. I am sure he will be scared when he reads it, and gladly give my deposit back. *eVil grin*

actually, that is what I wanted to say. But, didn't. I just referenced the TN codes for landlord and tenants. He was violating a few. AND I pointed out that he could be held liable for everything if we go to court. *nods* slumlord bastard.

2003-03-06T18:34:00.000-06:00

*laughs* DUDE!!! RAWK ON!! This is the writer she said I remind her of. I take it as a compliment. Others might not. :) *nods* I loved his book Fear and Loathing. I laughed my ass off through that whole thing. by the time it was over I felt like I had been on a trip.

well, at least I am entertaining. that is a start, no?

2003-03-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

ok Shenry got me thinking.....

I didn't get to know my neighbors that well. I moved every year that I have lived in Midtown. well, except that one apartment that I loved. I lived there a year and a half. I didn't want to know my neighbors. Being a woman, living alone, and single, you have to learn how to be kinda distant so that people don't take advantage of you. I had a bulldyke that wouldn't leave me alone, a flaming gay black man that harassed me, a guy that broke into my building three or four times trying to get me to go out with him. That was all in the apartment that I loved!!! I could go on. But, I am not.

When I moved into my very first apartment behind Backstreet I liked my neighbors. I had a guy above me that was into Candle Magick and Christianity. He was cool and had lots of lizards and stuff. Across the hall was the guy with the three legged dog. *nods* he would come by and say 'I like yur purtty lights in the window!' :) he always made me smile. He was sad when I left. I was kinda sad about leaving him too. I didn't know anyone else in my complex. besides Autumn and Jay. and uhm, honestly, I didn't want to know them.

then I moved into the house that was made into apartments. I had the guy below me that was legally blind. he started coughing while getting high and busted the blood vessels in his eyes. *sigh* he is bi and a really nice guy. he just doesn't have a life anymore. so sad. Then there was a guy that moved here from NC? I think. and he wouldn't leave me alone. he would just drop by out of the blue ALL THE TIME!!!

then I moved to my FAVORITE apartment. please see above. bulldyke, flaming fag, etc. I loved that apartment. :) It was sooooo me.

Then we moved into McLean house from hell. I talked to some neighbors. They kept to themselves and I liked it. I liked not having people *drop* by. nothing more irritating then people watching when you get home so they can INSTANTLY come over and see you. ARRRRGGGG

now we have this new apartment. ahem. AGAIN. I don't want to know my neighbors. I just don't.

why? cause you can get emotionally attached to them. I move too much for all that. I don't want their fucking drama either. you keep your shite in your home, and I will keep mine in mine. I don't like people who know what my schedule is knowing what is in my apartment. I don't like people hanging around outside or things like that waiting for you to come home to talk. This isn't a half way house mother fucker. move on!!! That kinda stuff happened in Southaven ALL the time. I was miserable.

I think had I stayed at one of these places long enough maybe I would have wonderful stories to tell of my neighbors. but I didn't. I am glad. It took a long time to break the tie with the blind guy. I talked to him everyday cause he was always home with his door open. I told him I was gay, so he wouldn't hit on me. To this day he thinks I only like muff. He has no idea I have a boyfriend. shrug. its better that way.

2003-03-06T11:18:00.000-06:00

ok. my teacher loved my descriptive essay on the Starbuck's girl. We decided that I need to start the essay like I did in my blog post. With me walking into Starbuck's. See, I put an introducion on there because I wasn't sure how to start it. I didn't want to confuse the reader by just jumping in. But, I confused them more because I was explaining awarness, and then started talking about Starbuck's. The transition would have been too difficult. It would run more smoothly if I just started with walking in. I couldn't make a thesis statement out of it either. She told me that my first paragraph alone could be the basis for another paper. *grin* then we discussed ending the essay with me walking out the door. That my thoughts of walking through the situation were great, but it didn't have much to do with description. She said that just for this essay the ending wasn't needed. BUT, it was still good. *sigh* but, some of the class just didn't understand what I was trying to get at. Some of the women were getting defensive on why I would put 'my eyes fell upon a very attractive girl' or why I would be 'flirty' with another girl.

ahem.

WTF? why can't women be that way towards other women? why do these women have to be so 'ohhh, you don't act that way towards other women!! GROSS!!' I thought one woman was going to blow a fuse when I made the statement 'I am secure in my sexuality' and she instantly said 'what a minute' then I stopped her by saying, 'I said *I* am secure. I am not referring to you or anyone else. I treat everyone the same, men and women. Here is a perfect example, if you flirted with a straight guy he will think you are coming on to him, if you act the same way to a gay man, he wouldn't think anything at all by your actions. There is no difference in your behavior, it just depends on how the other person PRECEIVES your actions. A gay woman would think I was flirty, where a straight woman would think I was just complimenting her or being nice.' Finally the woman started grasping what I meaning after a 10 minute discussion on why I would say those things.

My teacher defended me on this. She responded to by saying 'I think its just your personality, yours is like mine Rachel, I think you flirt with everyone without thinking anything about it.' and, she is right.

I was waiting for someone to ask 'are you gay?' And I was going to answer the question honestly. I am bi, AND? But, had I not told anyone, then no one would be the wisest. Regardless, my life style is no one's business. My writing just reflects that I am open to admitting if someone, uhm ANYONE is attractive. I write where a man can relate as much as a woman. You paint a better picture if you let your true feelings come through. I don't want someone to read this and think 'a typical woman wrote that.' Gender shouldn't matter.

I was just shocked on the close mindedness of some of the people in the class. Not all were that bad. But, there were a few that you could see disgust on their faces. Including that one chick who said 'if you had said she liked canned tuna instead of sasuage I would have gotten the hint' WTF? CAN WE SAY REDNECK?! how is that better then what I said? Then, my teacher said 'NO, Rachel don't put that!' *laughs* I told her quickly that I would never think to do something like that. Subtle descriptions are enough. Let the reader form their opinion.

I think that some people get intimated by people who like to write and that it shows in their writing. They are grasping while I am sailing. I like to write. I like expressing my thoughts, views, and interests. I am appreciative of how my teacher tries to show us more then textbook style bullshite. She is trying to work with people to open their creative style, but they are either scared to express and write from their hearts, or they just don't care about writing period. Very disheartening. very.

I am not worried about it though. She asked me to please e-mail her my next draft. She wanted to read it. :) YAAAAY!! I can do that. *nods*

After class, she and I discussed the way we exchange papers and how people edit it to their liking. She asked me what I thought about it. I was honest. I told her that at first I had to clear my mind, and not take offense to the comments. Because, normally I take things too personally. I went on to add that after the intial shock of it, I started really appreciating someone showing me something I didn't see. THEN, I became mad at myself for the silliness of my mistakes. BUT, those comments and suggestions helped me get a 95 on my last paper. So, bring it on!!! Tell me what you think. I will open myself up, and see something I wouldn't notice without someone pointing it out. I was very grateful for the chance to have someone point it out BEFORE I got the grade. :) its all good. I told her I wanted to take her for Comp II as well. :) She is a good teacher. yep. she sure is. She wants us to have our own style and still be a good writer. I could tell she was kinda stressing the fact that the class isn't doing as well as they should. I am sure it makes her feel like she isn't doing her job. She is. But, how can you make someone write when they don't want too, or they feel they can't do it? you can't. THEY have to want to do their best. You can't make them do it.

That is a hard class to teach. you have too many nonresponsive people to try to open up. She told me that my writing reminds her of a certain writer. I e-mailed her to see who that man was again. *hopefully* she will respond today so I can look him up! I want to see what she is talking about.

2003-03-05T13:28:00.000-06:00

I am really glad I am leaving early today. *smile* its needed.

I am taking Tuesday off so I can go to Seize The Clay and paint as long as I want. :) YAAAAAY!!! I have that $100 gift certificate that I haven't used yet. What I have left over I am taking Matthew with me to a Friday night Wine and Cheese night. yeah! We will have fun getting a buzz and painting. I can't wait. But, I wanted to take Tuesday off cause I want to do something for myself. Its free and I enjoy painting things. *nods* it will be a good release for me. I need something to get my mind off *thinking* so much.

watch. Painting that day will bring me MANY epiphanies!!! bring it on little momma. *laughs*

2003-03-05T08:18:00.000-06:00

I am going to my Orthodontist today. My bottom teeth are SLIGHTLY moving and I can't have that. I have to wear a mouth guard for my grinding at night. So, that means I can't wear my retainers then. But my retainers hurt because my teeth are so outta wack. I need them to adjust them and I will prolly have to wear them during the day for a while. that sucks, but I am not wearing braces again. I am not going through all that pain again. fuck no. so I will keep them straight with my retainers. lets hope they don't tell me I need a new one. I really don't want to fork out $100 for each one. I will try to fight that decision though. I want to get my money's worth out of both. *nods*

yes, I am so tight that I am the type of person who will wear underwear with holes in it. no one knows. WTF?!

2003-03-05T08:12:00.000-06:00

ok. I am feeling better. Its strange how morning nookie can make everything ok. :) There is something about waking up in the morning and getting some good ass. No kissing, messing around, just hitting it. yeah. that is what I am talking about. *sigh*

Well, folks the red dollars days are over. its all good. you can come out of hiding. I will not snap your neck like a twig. *eVil grin* unless, you want me too.

I have been thinking again. *world comes to a screetching hault* ahem. Yesterday, I was talking myself through all the bullshite. I knew I was upset and trying to control things that weren't necessary. I was aware of my moods and feelings. I was begging for some sort of break. I needed something to help me grasp my sanity again. I am sitting in class and my teacher tells us that we aren't having class Thursday, cause he is having a lady come check on him and his wife(I think it might be a man) about adoption. THEN, we are off all next week for Spring Break(I wish I could be heading to FL, PAR-T!!!!) FINALLY, he said that the following Tuesday(18th) his birthday, he will be driving back from somewhere. So, no class that night either. He gave us homework and stuff to look over. Making sure we don't get behind. But, remember this is the class I have already taken. I am just getting refreshed for the next class. *grin* I have my break folks. This is God answering my prayer. I asked and I received. :) It isn't going to hurt me because we are missing those days while he is out. It might hurt the other kids, but not me. YAAAAY!!!! I took a quiz in there last night. His quizes count 10 points. Plus 1 point for the bonus. I am almost positive I got an 11. Can I hear an AMEN? sing it sista!!!

So, on that note. I am in a MUCH better mood. little ass, good grades, damn, life is good.

2003-03-04T15:27:00.000-06:00

Transformation

The only thing that is changeless is change itself. No relationship lasts forever. Even couples who have lived together for most of their lives are separated when one of them dies. Other relationships run their course after two or three years. Every relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end. No relationship lasts forever.
When two people can no longer grow together, it is time for them to re-evaluate their commitment to one another and consider changing the form of their relationship. For example, a couple who has been living together with difficulty might decide to live apart and continue to see each other as lovers, or they might decide to separate completely.
There is no right or wrong here. It's up to you and your partner how you want to revise your commitment to one another. It's always best when the two of you can agree on the new form you want your relationship to take. But when agreement is not possible, it is wise to choose the form desired by the person who is in the most pain. Time and space away from the relationship may enable emotional healing to take place and generate greater clarity about the relationship. Then, the nature of the commitment can be re-negotiated.
It is important that separation take place with dignity and with love. Even when a relationship does not work, both people has still shared and learned a lot together. There should be mutual gratitude for the good times, as well as for the challenging times when greater insight and understanding was gained.
Before you and your partner decide to terminate your relationship, ask yourself if you have learned all that the relationship can teach you? If not, can you change the form of the relationship in such a way as to make learning easier for both of you?
Try not to leave the relationship or make decisions about it in anger. Calm down and ask your partner to make time for a heart-to-heart talk. Tell the truth about what's happening for you and ask your partner to do the same. Don't leave out anything that's important. Just listen to each other. Don't feel that you have to make an immediate decision.
Take the time to really be with your feelings and really digest what your partner confides to you. If you find it helpful, take some time alone away from your partner to get clear. Then come back together and share again. See if you have some areas of agreement with your partner on which both of you can act.
Let your coming apart(or transformation in the form of your relationship) take as long as it needs to. It is a process, after all, just as putting your lives together was a process. If you take the time to separate with mutual understanding and forgivenss, you will have a far easier time coming to completion. You do yourself and your partner a disservice if you don't take this time to support each other as you make the transition from one form of relationship to another. It is the only loving thing to do. Moreover, it will make it far easier for both of you to move on without a bitter taste in your mouth.

Detachment
Once you have reached an agreement and take the time to support each other in making the transition to the new form of your relationship, it is time to detach from the old form. Say, for example, you and your partner decide that you want to continue as friends, but don't want to be sexual. When you are in transition, you may make love once or twice or you may lie in bed together holding each other. However, there will be a point when sleeping together is no longer helpful or appropriate. It holds you back from moving in the direction you have chosen. At this time, good boundries are necessary. It is time to detach.
Part of the process of detachment is grieving the old form of the relationship. You may shed tears. Your body may still yearn for the other person's touch. You may feel other physcial or emotional withdrawal symptoms. This is natural and will take as long as it takes. There is no correct period of time for grieving the loss of a relationship or a particular aspect of connection with someone. Accepting your experience and patiently going through it enables you to come to completion.
Don't beat yourself up if it takes you a long time to grieve a relationship that was important to you. You don't have to compare yourself to other people. If friends push you to socialize before you are ready, tell them that you appreciate their concern for you, but you just don't feel ready. Ask them to support you in staying with your own process.
Sometimes we don't really learn the lessons a relationship brings to us until after we break up with a person. While we are in the relationship we may feel too much conflict and pressure to really look at our own issues. Later, when the pressure is off, and we are grieving the connection with the other person, we may be more willing to look at our own issues.
We don't detach fully from our relationship until we begin to learn the issues that our partnership brought up for us. If we try to move on to other relationships before we have dealt with these core issues, we will likely recreate the same lessons with a new partner. That just deepens our woundedness and our sense of futility about ever connecting in an authentic way with a life partner.
Our time out of relationship is just as important as our time in it. Indeed, it may be said that, when we are alone, we are preparing to be in a relationship and, wehn we are in a relationship, we are preparing to be alone. Hopefully, we begin to learn the lesson of our last relationship before we go into a new one. Then we can experience new challenges and grow in new ways.
Coming to completion with a relationship is an internal task, not an interactive one. We do the best we can to separtate in a dignified and loving way and to support each other in pursuing our new lives. That makes it easier for us to come to completion. But completion itself depends on our willingness to use the relationship to move into a greater appreciation of and fidelity to who we are and what we need. Then, we don't betray ourselves in the next relationship.
The more clear we get about who we are and what we want in a relationship, the easier it will be for us to be honest with others. That honesty will prevent us from getting involved in relationships with people who are unwilling to respect our experience or to work consciously with the unconscious material that inevitably comes up in a relationship.

Re-Committing to Love
One of the primary goals of any relationship is to learn to love and accept our partner without conditions. Sometimes we are able to do this within the initial form of the relationship. Sometimes we need to change the form of the relationship to be able to do it. But whatever happens, the goal remains the same.
Even if we decide that we must separate from our partner and can never see him or her again, we will have the choice to send this person unconditional love and blessings. Indeed, if we are sending our partner anything less then this, we can be sure that we have not learned the lesson of the relationship.
Relationships that end in shame or blame have a kind of karmic energy around them. Partners who continue to hold resentments toward one another will tend to attract new partners who will help them learn the lessons of the relationship once and for all. It is a fact of life that when we don't learn our lessons in a gentle way, we get a more compelling version of the same curriculum. This doesn't happen to punish us, but to help us learn.
Another one of the primary goals of relationship is to help us deepen in our commitment to love and accept ourselves. Whenever we betray ourselves with our partner, we need to come to terms with our lack of commitment to ourselves. We need to see the way we give our power away in relationship and take responsibility for empowering ourselves. Blaming our partners isn't goin gto help us do this. If our partner took our power away, it is because we let him or her do it. We are not powerless. We can always walk away from or refuse to cooperate with a situation that does not feel good to us.
The bottom line is that we are responsible for all of the choices that we make. If we enter a relationship that is difficult or painful, we need to find out why. Why are we betraying ourselves? Until we discover the answer to this question, we will continue to ask it in one relationship after another.
This isn't a very gentle way ot learn our lessons. Indeed, it is a kind of relentless masochism. It would be better for us to be alone for a while and investigate the causes of our self-betrayal before starting another relationship.
In many cases, forgiveness continues to be an issue long after we have physically separated from our partners. We don't come to completion until we can learn from our mistakes and forgive them, until we can be grateful to our partner for what we have learned together.
Every relationship that comes into our lives comes to teach us. We don't always learn the lesson when the relationship brings it. Sometimes we learn weeks, months or even years later. We are not a failure in this respect. We just have a little longer learning curve. As long as we are learning, it doesn't matter how long we are taking.
The major questions we need to ask when we come to the end of our relationship are "Am I holding myself in a loving, compassionate way? Am I forgiving my mistakes and learning from them? Am I holding my partner in a loving and compassionate way? Am I fogiving her mistakes and holding her in the light?
And if the answer is not "yes," then let us still aspire to the goal and accept the fact that we have not reached it. Forgiveness happens in its own time. We cannot force it. When we are willing to forgive, forgiveness comes as a gift. If we ask for help in this, our request will not be denied.
May our trespasses against our partner be forgiven, even as we forgive our partner's trespasses against us. Tomorrrow is a new day. Let us meet it with hope and confidence, knowing that we are learning, however slowly, the lessons our relationship has asked us to learn.

Creating A Spiritual Relationship by Paul Ferrini

2003-03-04T13:38:00.000-06:00

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what
we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck
by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

*snort* I needed that one. :)

2003-03-04T12:36:00.000-06:00

*slowly breathing* ok.

I am NOT going to let negative thoughts and negative emotions carry me away. I am going to stand up to them. I am going to face them.

why am I so upset?

because things just aren't going as smoothly as I would like. I want things to hurry up and fix themselves. I want to change things, only I can't. I can't do anything, but wait.

what am I waiting for?

people to get off their asses and do what they need to do. I have a list of names. But, I am not sharing it. The list doesn't matter. I have all these expectations that aren't being met. I have put too much repsonsibility on myself and others. I need a fucking break from life. But, no such thing exists. The only break I get is when I am asleep. And that still isn't much of one. I have to wake up eventually.

I am mad because my patience is at ZERO right now. I have none. nada. I am cramping and fighting the urge to cry. This period has been really bad. I haven't fully recovered from my illness from a few weeks ago. I am broke out from head to toe. I am grasping at anything to keep my sanity.

I have been doing so well these past few months. Why do I feel like I have been pushed fifty spaces backwards?

*sigh* maybe its because I am becoming more aware of my feelings and emotions. Instead of dwelling or pointing blame, I am acknowledging it and realizing that it isn't necessary. THAT pisses me off more then then stupid fucking emotions!!! I am pissed cause I know I shouldn't feel bad or upset. I know its not that big of a deal. But, deep down inside to ME it is.

WHY!!!!!??????

why is it such a big deal? what is so life threatening about all that is going on? What is worth carrying around all this negativity?

it's not that big of a deal. there is nothing life threatening. Nothing is worth carrying the negativity, its nothing but me feeling insecure with myself right now.

I have no control. But, I don't need the control. I just *think* I need it. I am hurt because I trusted my ex-landlady. I am pissed cause she has lied to me about so much. AND still doing it. but, I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I know it shouldn't matter. I just haven't broken that feeling yet. I can't shake the disappointment I have in how she handled all this. I can't believe she did the things she did. THEN on top of that, I am supposed to continue trusting her. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. I can't. I just can't. She played the innocent person and got all the inside info to use against us. And still smiling in that loving motherly way when approached about it. I am just floored on how things have unfolded. I wasn't expecting any of this. none. I am not supposed to look into the future. I am supposed to live day to day. That is very hard for me. VERY.

I also don't feel good about myself cause I look like shite. ok. that is an insecurity right there. I already have doubts about my looks, then when its obvious that I have some issues going on with my skin, it makes it 50 times worse. But, it doesn't change who I am. I am still the same person. I am still pretty. I just have skin problems. THAT is not my fault nor is it something to down myself about.

I am just soaking in all this shite and letting it take over my mind. STOP IT BITCH!!!!

I think I caused that migrane yesterday. Thinking about all the things that needed to be done and what I had to do to get it all done. I worked myself into a tizzy. I over-thought shite until I made myself sick.

2003-03-04T08:44:00.000-06:00

and I hate my job too. *sticks out tongue*

2003-03-04T08:43:00.000-06:00

ok, the evening didn't get any better. by the time I got off work I had a sinus migrane. I thought my head was going to pop. I could barely move my eyes without crying out in pain. There were jolts of pain running from the base of my skull all the way to the tops of my check bones. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I tried to lay down for a little bit before class, but I couldn't make it. There was no way I could drive like that. I took a allergy benadryl and fell the fuck out. That was at 6:45. I woke up at 10:15. I was pissed cause I missed class, but even more mad cause I felt like shite. That was either a result of my allergy shot mixed with other issues I have been having with my eczema, that is pic of what it looks like, I have it all over me right now. My chin and neck look like hammer!! It takes a long time(prolly close to six months) for me to get it back under control after living in that apartment with the heat too high for such a long period of time. *sigh*

I am stressing AGAIN cause now I have to write another letter BEFORE getting with the lawyer. The lease says that the landlord has 60 days to get my deposit back. WTF? I know that is illegal. I know it is. That is just so he can draw interest off it. BASTARD!! I am sick of this shite. *cries* I want to be done with all this.

2003-03-03T12:28:00.000-06:00

What is the best way to describe how I feel?

hrm. maybe, like if I unzipped my skin this fire breathing dragon will come jumping out. yeah. that is how I feel. sometimes being a woman REALLY sucks ass. I am soooo fucking sick of red dollar days its fucking pathetic. I have been an emotional wreck all weekend. I cried so much that I should be dehydrated by now. On the upside, there isn't anything going on that should have caused all that crying. I just cried because I needed too. Nothing has been near the end of the world life threatening as it has felt. I know that much. *sigh* just been emotional from the word go. At least its almost over with. I have two more days to go. :)

I am leaving the depsoit issue up to Matthew now. I washed my hands of worrying about it. He is getting the money back anyway. I am giving him my half to go towards the washer and dryer. or deposit, which ever he wants to apply it too. :) I am done trying to get it back for him. His turn!!

I guess I just let the stress mount up and I had to let it out this weekend. shrug. its over with now. I am tapped out. no more worrying for me motherfuckers!!! *screams* DO YOU HEAR ME!? I am not sweating a fucking thing. NO FUCKING MORE. life will fall as it is supposed too. its not for me to worry about. life will go on regardless if I try to stop it, no? :) I am just releasing. please deal.

on a lighter note, we painted the hallway. It looks, blue. just like the den, only a little darker. not exactly what I remember picking out, but I don't care. shrug. is it worth worrying about? hell no. *eVil grin* fuck it.

yes today *fuck* is my word. problem? sowwie. I am just a little edgy still, I guess. I will be better soon. PROMISE!!!

*hopeful look*

2003-03-03T08:26:00.000-06:00

Little Johnny strikes again...

The third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty
and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I
want the word "fascinate".

Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for
his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so
damn big, she can only fasten eight."

2003-02-28T12:29:00.000-06:00

This book is something. I was having some issues yesterday, just so happened I read that chapter last night at school and dude, it was like, DAMMNNNNN. *nods* yep, I can totally see it. We have to come clean with ourselves totally before we can move spiritually. We can't move on spiritually with someone until we own up for our own mistakes and stop blaming everyone else. Its all us and that is it. We are responsibile for our thoughts, FEELINGS, and actions. So many things/people that we lay blame on that have nothing to do with the issues at hand. I am BAD about the undercover issues surfacing.

Last night I drove home from school in a wonderful mood after reading that chapter. I was elated!! But, when I parked the car in front of the apartment these thoughts started flying threw my mind. Childhood comments, people, places, emotions, LOTS of emotions. I sat in the car for prolly about 5 minutes with my hands over my eyes crying. It was like a flood of emotion came over me. I was just swallowed up with anger, sadness, embrassment, guilt, *sigh* gosh, I can't even begin to explain it. I was just stuck there. Feeling things that I remembered feeling when I was younger, and was shocked by the fact that I haven't thought or felt those things in so long. I had forgotten about them. nahhh, I hadn't really forgotten about them. I just pushed them away. I couldn't be those things if I didn't acknowledge it, right? wrong. its still there. all of it. I was almost shaking when the flood hit me. I felt it all the best I could. I let the thoughts run over me and the emotion swallow me up. I cried and cried. If someone had asked me what I was feeling I couldn't have told them, cause it was all my inner emotions that only *I* can understand. I sat there in tears and then I heard someone say 'ask for help'. So I did. I asked God to help me see all the things that I am doing to myself. I asked that he help me open my heart and mind wide to acknowledge it all, so I could face it without fear. I want to do it. I want to be free of all this. I want to stop feeling insecure about my looks. I want to be truly happy with my life. I want to know and feel that I am the best person I can be. I want to stop all this wasted bullshite that I have been doing to myself. I want to stop letting harmless people have so much control. I want to stop worrying about someone's motives. I want to stop feeling slighted when someone is rude to me. I want to love everyone as they should be loved, not just what I think they deserve.

I want to spread my discovery with everyone!!! *laughs* yeah. I am really getting into this.

I tried to talk to my sister about this book the other night. She is kinda out there(in the head), but I think she would benefit from it. She says she goes inward and looks at herself all the time. BUT, if you really don't know what you are looking for, how are you going to find it? She got very defensive and started talking over me and just pretty much freaking out. She then said that her man has more issues then she does.

ok. first off NO ONE HAS MORE ISSUES THEN ANYONE ELSE!!! *pulls out hair* equality is the key. you will never be anything with your partner if you believe that you are not equal to them. When she said that, I pointed out(calmly I might add, Matthew was tripping on how I was during all this) that by saying he has more means you have less, which means you believe you are better off then he. THAT is not being equal. remember, its easier to say its someone elses issue then yours. Placing blame is easier then standing face to face with yourself.

my sister has some SERIOUS hang ups. BUT, so do I. everyone does. only I am ready to acknowledge mine. she isn't. She thinks she has figured herself out and she doesn't need advice from anyone. *laughs* so typical. no one ever wants to admit they are wrong. just do it. just say 'I am wrong' is it that bad? I mean, what are you losing when you say 'I am wrong'? you are losing the false impression you have of yourself. that is what you lose. When you admit you are wrong you let go of any false notion you have about yourself. There is nothing that can hold you to whatever it is that you were wrong about. you admitted it. you are done. you acknowledged it for goshsakes!!!!

:) no really. I am ok. I just running off at the mouth again.

my sister and I continued back and forth. Of course my mother was defending my sister. *nods* if my sister acknowledges her issues, ahem, then my mom would have to acknowledge her as well, correct? ignorance is NOT bliss. its just fucking ignorant! so my sis got really pissed at me. I was just trying to explain that maybe she could learn something new. That I had this book that was pretty interesting. then she came unglued. I mean she was almost hostile. I was calm the WHOLE time, until I was talking and she kept trying to talk over me and I shouted 'LET ME SPEAK!' then she shut up long enough for me to finish my sentence. I gave up. I was discussing and she was defending. I was calm the whole time. I never raised my voice, except that one time, I kept it light and not condeming. I wasn't accusing or throwing stones or anything. She was just defensive cause I was hitting some sensitve spots.

When we got to the car Matthew said 'She got upset cause you showed her she was wrong. You weren't attacking her at all, you were just talking to her. I can't believe how calm you were, that's not like you with your sister.'

ok. I was calm cause I knew I was right. I was calm cause I knew it wouldn't help if I got upset. Aggitation only breeds aggitation. I was looking at her through compassion goggles. I thought about her all evening when I got home. Then, I became worried that she was dwelling on our conversation and I wanted to comfort her. I called her and told her I loved her very much. I continued to explain myself more. I told her that I was just wanting to spread some of the enlightenment that I had learned. I thought since we have had deep discussions before that she might be interested. But, she took it as an attack. Then I said 'I just wanted to call, and tell you I love you, and that I didn't mean to make you mad by what I said' by that point she was starting to cry. She told me that she was tired and I caught her off guard. She then went on to say that she would like to hear more. That she was sorry for freaking out on me. She said she had been sitting there thinking about me and hoped that I wasn't mad at her. Then I called her. *smile*

Its hard for me to communicate with my sister. She was very cruel growing up. The things she did to me had a big affect on my life then and later on. I know now that they shouldn't have. But you can't explain that to a 7 year old child who's drunk sister keeps coming in and kicking her out of her own bed. I had to hear my whole life how I was ugly, fat, had a big nose, piggy eyes, my ears were lopsided, my boobs were too small. I could go on. but I am not going to right now. The point is my sister pushed her false impressions on me and I accepted them. I took them on like they were me, like Rachel was really ugly. *deep breath* NO I AM NOT!

my sister resented me for reasons that were out of my control. they have always been out of my control. I lashed out on her because that is the only way I knew how to defend myself. I had to beat her at her game. I had to learn how to protect myself. I had to sleep with one eye open. I couldn't turn my back on her. She was sneaky. She was slick. She did lots of degrading things to me. I took those pains and hid them away inside me. Now I am going to get them out. They aren't me. *I* am me. I am not my sister. I am not my mother. I am Rachel. I have the choice to make my life hell or happy. and by Buddha I am going to make it the most wonderful life possible.

I caught myself saying something to my sister that night. She said in a pitty kinda way 'you don't know what all I have been through.' I couldn't help it. I had to say something to that. So I said 'you don't know what its like to have a drunk sister be abusive to you.' She looked at me like I slapped her. See she claims that I thought all that stuff up in my head. That none of that stuff was near as bad as I claimed it to be. It was. TO ME. I lived it. I heard the nasty words 'I wish you had never been born, I knew you were the spawn of the devil when mom and dad brought you home. I should have killed you, and cut you up into little pieces, wrapped you in plastic and threw you into the river.' now, how is anyone supposed to feel when someone says something like that to you? Do you smile and say 'I love you too!' *sigh* yes, you are supposed to say that. but you don't. you lash back. my parents didn't stand up for me. The ignored it too. They always pushed the 'turn the other way' logic. If you don't acknowledge the problem then it doesn't exist! it does exist!! WTF?!?!?!?!!? Its still there, like it was 20 fucking years ago!! Its still there fresh and sore. That wound is so fresh, that I can still feel it bleeding. only difference now is that I can look at my sister with love and compassion where before I looked at her with hate and revenge.

Matthew asked me if we ever said we were sorry to each other. No, we haven't. That night I called was the first time I have ever called my sister and told her I loved her and I was sorry for making her mad. Now, granted it isn't my fault she was mad. Those again were HER issues in the beginning. I just happen to push those buttons. The buttons that are CLEARLY not mine. But I said I was sorry cause I knew she would think about it in the wrong way if I didn't say something. I knew I had to call and tell her I loved her. I am glad I did. She needed it. She really did.

*nods* yep. everyone has a hard childhood. Some people are fortunate and don't have hard ones. I am happy for them. But there is a lesson to be learned from these hard childhoods. There is. We just have to see what it is. We have to stop being the victim and realize that it happened for a reason. It isn't a personal assault, its just a little thing we call LIFE.

2003-02-28T10:02:00.000-06:00

The Fifth Spiritual Law: Mirroring

What we don't like about our partner reflects back to us what we don't like and can't accept about ourselves.

If we are trying to run away from ourselves, the last place we want to try and hide is in a relationship. The purpose of an intimate relationship is to help us learn to face our own fears, judgments, doubts and insecurities. While we may be successful in hiding our dark side from our conscious awareness while living alone, it is almost impossible to do so in an intimate relationship. Moreover, there is absolutely no chance we can hide our doubts and fears when we decide to live with someone.
Living with someone is like being in a pressure cookers. There's no cooking el dente, no slow sauteing here. We're going to get cooked all the way through whether we like it or not.
After beginning a relationship, it usually isn't long before our doubts and fears come up about the other person. We're not sure we're with the right person. S/he's short with us, even rude at times. S/he doesn't tell us that s/he loves us as often as we'd like to hear it. We go on finding fault with the other person, wondering if s/he really wants to be with us. We don't take the time to check it out with our partner. To do that, would mean reality-testing, and we perfer to have our own opinion. We'd rather see the problem in our partner than in ourselves.
When our fears and doubts are triggered by our partner, as they will be in any intimate relationship, we don't want to face them directly. We don't say "Oh, here is my insecurity coming up for me to look at." We blame our partner for how and what we're feeling: "I'm feeling insecure because s/he didn't speak kindly to me."
But what if the insecurity is already there and our partner just happened to trigger it. Perhaps Dad spoke harshly to us and, as we grew up, we felt that we weren't good enough. Even though Dad may not speak to us that way now, we may be carrying around that old hurt subconsciously. We would not know we still had that wound if someone didn't trigger our awareness of it.
So our partner says something to us in an off-hand, joking way and it cuts right to the bone. And the next thing we know we are feeling really hurt and violated. Our partner did not intend to be hurtful to us. S/he was perhaps a bit careless or even sarcastic, but s/he didn't know we would react the way we did.
We can focus on our partner's action, find fault with that and try to get our partner to speak more kindly to us in the future, or we can take responsibility for the deep pain and feelings of rejection that are welling up for us right now. In the first case, we refuse to deal with our pain by making someone else responsible for it. In the second case, we let that pain in, own it, and then let our partner know what is going on for us.
What's most important about this interaction is not "You were rude to me" but "what you said triggered my feelings that I am not good enough." That's what I need to look at.
When people aren't being nice to me, I think that they don't like me, that something is wrong with me, that I'm not good enough. That internal dynamic belongs to me, not to my partner. My partner just triggers the old tape "I'm not good enough." I've been caring that tape around since I was two years old.
Do I want to change my partner's behavior or do I want to change the tape? Trying to change your partner probably won't work very well but, even if I did, someone else(my sister, for example) might come along and push the buttons on the tape recorder. There are plenty of people who, unbeknownst to them, are quite adept at pushing buttons. I can't change them all.
So why focus on the trigger when I can remove the bullets? When the gun isn't loaded, nobody gets hurt, even if the trigger is pulled.
The question I must ask is not "who's attacking me?" but "why do I feel attacked?" Or, to use the above example "why do I feel not good enough?"
Maybe I feel "not good enough" because Daddy did not give me the approval I wanted from him and I keep on looking in vain for that approval from other men. I do this in a couple of different ways. Sometimes I choose a partner who, like Daddy, is very critical of me, so that I can become conscious of my Daddy wound. Other times I choose someone who is very different from Daddy, but as soon as that person is displeased with me, I feel I am not good enough. In either case, my Daddy wound give me an antenna for criticism. I can spot it a thousand miles away.
If I want to heal my Daddy wound, I have to realize that there are going to be many times when I want someone to be nice to me and approve of me and that person is going to be cool, or rude, or mean, or critical. And that doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. That means the person isn't able to meet my needs right now. That's all. It's not a reflection of me. It might not be anything other than a temporary reflection on that human being, who might be feeling stressed out or impatient.
I am responsible for healing my Daddy wound, even though you may be the one who triggered it. When I accept this responsibility, I try not to blame you when you push my buttons. I say: "This is about me. When I think that you are being mean to me, I think that you don't like me and you don't want to be with me. I start to feel like I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of love. That's what comes up for me. It's not true, but I think its true."
We all have our private storehouse of illusions--beliefs about ourselves or other that aren't true. When we challenge those illusions, they dissolve, because only the truth can stand our scrutiny.
Every time we are triggered by our partner, we have the opportunity to see through our illusions and drop them once and for all. It doesn't take all that much insight to see that the belief "when others aren't nice to me, it means that I'm not good enough" is false. But I must be clear what my belief is if I am going to challenge it.
An intimate relationship gives you and your partner endless opportunities to look into your core beliefs about yourselves. Your partner is the cattle prod moving you toward the most sensitive areas of self-delusion. S/he helps you wake up by bringing old wounds and false beliefs up into your conscious attention. When you have a fight with your partner, it has little to do with the specifics of the situation and a lot to do with the inner demons which are distrubed and brought out into the light of day.
Your partner is not responsible for you demons, nor are you responsible for his or hers. But you are midwives to each other's growth into conscious awareness. Living with a partner is like living with parents or children. All these relationships push our deepest buttons. They trigger us, set of inner and outer explosions, so that our fears can no longer stay hidden. It isn't always pleasant business.
If we expect it to be pleasant all or even most of the time, then we will be sadly disappointed. Every relationship moves from romance to realism to the depths of despair. Couples fall from grace just as individuals do. Each has a dark night of the soul, a grappling with the demonic realm. The couples who face their demons and walk through their fears have won the decisive battle against ignorance. They hit existential bottom and realize that the only reason they are together is to learn how to love and accept themselves. That is the path to Ascension.
It is a spiritual law that whatever bothers us about someone else shows us a part of ourselves we are unwilling to love and accept. Blaming or finding fault with our partners does not help us meet the part of ourselves or redeem it. Yet that is the sacred purpose of relationship.
Our partners are the mirrors that help us come face to face with ourselves. Whatever way we have trouble loving or accepting ourselves will be reflected back to us by our partner. Sometimes the reflection is a direct one and sometimes it is indirect. For example, if we experience our partner as selfish, it might be because we ourselves are acting selfishly. Or it might be because our partner stands up for himself and that is what we have been unwilling to do for ourselves.
We can be angry at our partners, but this is pure self-deception. It disguises the anger we feel at ourselves. And that anger is what we must ultimately come to terms with. After all, it is not our partner's mistake that haunt us, but our own. We are responsible for our mistakes and we know it. Forgiving those mistakes is sometimes very difficult for us. We have to learn to be gentle with ourselves. We have to realize that our mistakes don't condemn us. They just provide us with an opportunity to grow and to learn.
We may try to blame our partners, but the one we really blame is ourselves. We are the one who ultimately gets crucified or gets off the cross and walks free. Let's remember that the next time we find fault in our partners.
Every relationship is a mirror in which we learn to see and embrace all that we are: the parts of self that we like and admire and the parts that we judge and detest. When we get angry at or upset with our partner, we are externalizing the anger that we feel toward ourselves. Our partner becomes a target for the projection of our self-hatred.
No one wants to be a target for someone else's rage. Yet many relationships shipwreck in the high seas of mutual projection. This is a sad, but not uncommon fact.
The only way to avoid the destruction of the relationship is to take direct responsibility for the thoughts and feelings that arise from the depths of our psych and hold our partner harmless. "I know this is about me, not about my partner," we must continually say to ourselves whenever we are triggered. When we can own our own internal struggle and refrain from projecting the responsibility for our pain onto our partner, our partner becomes our greatest teacher.
When such in-depth learning about ourselves is mutual in our relationship, our partnership is transformed into a spiritual pathway for self-knowledge and fullfillment. We learn from our partner what no one else could teach us. How many people are skillful at both pushing our buttons and holding us compassionately as we encounter the depth of our own self-hatred. There is no better guru on the planet than our partners when we have embraced the spirtiual purpose of our relationship.
Our relationship journey comes full circle when we can see and embrace both our partner's innocence and our own. When we have moved thorugh the shadowy world of mutual attack and projection out into the light of mutual acceptance and forgiveness, we are given custody of the Holy Grail itself, the ultimate symbol of psychic intergration, power and wholeness.
The rewards for the journey are profound, indeed unspeakable. But few of us dare to travel the whole route from fragmentation to wholeness. Few of us have the courage to fall from grace, bury our impotent fantasies of romance, and experience the shadowy world of our demons in order to learn to take repsonsibility for our own healing. Our partner opens the door for us, but s/he can't walk through it in our place.
Many of us teeter-totter on the edge of responsibility only to turn away when the relationship becomes painful. We don't like looking into the mirror. Again and again, we buy into our romantic fantasies, which are nothing more than an escape from self, thinking we will find the perfect mate around the next corner.
Every relationship not dedicated to mutual growth and self-revelation ends at these fiery gates. Only the most courageous souls---those who have take the time to walk through their own fear and pain---pass through. Their relationships have become classrooms for experiential learning, laboratories in which they patiently study and build the spiritual vehicle that will ultimately bring them home.

Creating A Spiritual Relationship by Paul Ferrini

2003-02-28T08:25:00.000-06:00

Friday Funny!!! I just HAD to share it!!

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down
the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up
bitch."

2003-02-27T14:34:00.000-06:00

ok. I am having a VERY emotional day. please beware of that if you read any off the wall posts. I am struggling right now to keep my composure. That article about Mr. Rogers really did me in.

2003-02-27T10:13:00.000-06:00

*deep breath*

ok. I have been doing research on this legal shite with my EX-landlord. Then I realized that Matthew had prepaid legal. ahem. I mean, he DID have prepaid legal. He stopped cause he didn't think he needed it. WTF? why bother starting if you think you won't use it? *shakeshead* that is just Matthew's mind again. Anyway, he called his mother to see if her legal department at work would write a letter to the landlord for us. HOPEFULLY, they will, and that will make him get off his ass and send us our money back. He has NEVER had people fight him, so the liar of a landlady has said. ahem. good, then this should really shake him up. I don't want to go through all this. I just want my mother fucking money back. The upside to this is, I have paid off all my dues for school. Can I hear an Amen? :) I got $690 back from the IRS and I owed $688.41. *grin* God was taking care of me, no? anyway, so that means I don't have ANYTHING left on my credit card. Which means I can put stuff on there if needed. I don't want too. but I will. I am getting my damn money back. I am in the right and NO SLUM LORD is going to bully or bluff me into letting him keep it. I can't find my lease agreement either. See Matthew and I had to go together and sign it. Matthew and I remember her saying 'I will get you a copy' and I never saw it. I didn't think about it. Not until all this happened. So I went through ALL my records. I didn't have it. I keep EVERYTHING. I am a stickler. I didn't get it. I know I didn't. That isn't something you leave laying around. Anyway, I asked her before I moved out if I could get a copy from her. She said she didn't have them that the owner keeps them. So I said I would look again, and make sure I didn't have it. I e-mailed her this week being nice and saying 'I have looked through everything, I can't seem to locate it, can I get a copy from you?' She replied with 'yes I have it here, I will send it to you in the mail' WTF? she didn't have it before, and now she does. She is such a sad person. I honestly don't think she can remember what she has said from one day to the next. I have caught her in so many lies. I can't get mad, I have to feel compassion. I have to remember that SHE is the one with issues if she lies. She is the one that has to reap the karma of them. NOT I.

I guess I am just blowing off some steam. I have been asking God to show me sign of what I need to do. I don't normally do that. I normally just try to figure it out on my own. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you need help from the Higher Power. So I have been trying to listen to him. I have been trying to keep myself open for a response. I am trying not to overreact or get carried away with this. I have to stop expecting the results that I want. I have to look at everything. I will figure it out. I have no doubt at all.

2003-02-26T15:52:00.000-06:00

ok. If you look to the right => you will see Another Day Completed. My sister entered that into a photography contest. She didn't win *pout* but I think the pic is great!! She gave me a HUGE pic of it. I mean like bigger then a 9X10 I am talking prolly a 15 X something. I need to get it matted and framed. *nods* I just wanted to give her some glory for a little bit. enjoy!

2003-02-26T15:00:00.000-06:00

NO SCHOOL TONIGHT!!!! ahem. I mean, DAMN IT!!! we aren't having class tonight!! WTF?? *blushing*

Friday is the end of the month. you know what that means, right? yeah. I have been searching for lawyers on the internet. I found one place that will post your complaint out and lawyers respond if they are interested. I did that with two different sites. The other one finds as many as they can for you. *crossing fingers* you guys throw some good energy my way, k? :) thanks Mel. I am burning those candles. *wink*

2003-02-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

*sigh* WTF??? Memphis weather sucks ass. Now we have freezing rain. *pulls out hair*

I am sooooooo emotional right now it is ridiculous!!!! As I was talking to Matthew about the '94 Ice Storm I started getting so upset and my eyes were tearing up. *deep breath* when I see red dollar days I am an emotional wreck. I tend to get caught up in the feelings of others in whatever the situation is about. Its hard to function when little things that normally would just make me sad cause me to start crying without any control. Being a woman really sucks sometimes. I guess its a good thing though, huh? I let those emotions out. *nods* You must release it to get over it. But sometimes its not just *my* emotions. Its emotions that I feel because I think about someone hurting or suffering. I get swallowed up in it and sometimes its hard to get control back.

The other night when I talked about Matthew and I watching the news and me getting, I forgot what it was about. I remember now. They were talking about a little girl thats mother had been died for a week. Then they brought up the little boy from Memphis who lived with his died mother for a month. He was so scared they were going to put him in a home that he lived with a rotting corpse for a fucking month!!! As soon as they said something about it I just busted out into tears. I started babbling. He couldn't leave his mother. He thought he had to live there with her like that to survive. I can't imagine seeing my mother rotting away before my eyes. For a child to go through that its got to be devastating. He has got to have some serious issues from all that. What a terrible way to see your parent die. What a sad life experience. I was instantly swallowed up with his pain. Matthew quickly turned off the news. Then he said, THAT is why we don't watch that stuff anymore. *shakeshead* but its still out there happening, even if we don't acknowledge it. Is it wrong for me to turn my head because *I* can't handle it? Or should I still watch it for the people who need that acknowledgement and prays from others? How is avoiding the issues helping? such sadness. So many people hurting. So many people lost out there.

I want to curl up with this awesome book and shut out the world. Can I please?????

2003-02-25T17:01:00.000-06:00

I am not sure how to describe how I feel right now. I am excited cause school is canceled so that means I get to read more of my book tonight. YAAAAAY!!! But that isn't why I feel good.

I feel good cause I know I made the right decision committing myself to Matthew. I fought this relationship at first. I tried to distance myself because I was so used to being alone. I was so independent that I couldn't think of myself with someone in it. Some would say it was a weird way to think. But you grow accustom to solitude. *sigh* it was a lot of wasted energy, no? Matthew is very special to me because I think differently then I did back in the day. I appreciate a good guy now. I know a sweetie when I see one. I have had plenty fucking jerks. I have been abused more times then I can count. I have been told I would never find anyone cause no one would want me. I was told I was a nasty whore. I was called countless names. I was kicked like a football across the front yard of a lovers house(more times then I would like to remember) I think back on those situations and I am thankful that my baby is the way he is. He wouldn't touch me no matter how mad he got. And believe me I have pushed some buttons. I have hit him like I was a man. I put myself in a position to be treated like another man. But he never did anything. He wouldn't hurt me. I have no doubt about that. For people who have never been abused they just don't know what its like. The mental torture that you go through. I can still hear certain songs that make me feel the exact same way I did when I heard them during an abusive situation. I had two boyfriends that were that way. I had another guy that I stopped seeing because he became a little hostile when smoking weed. Who the fuck gets mean when getting high? *shakeshead* Paul used to get violent on X. WTF?? yeah. obviously he was mental. OPPPS that was wrong wasn't it? *eVil grin* anyway, all this boils down to appreciating what I have now. I have a healthy relationship with my baby. If I see him start to lose his cool, I instantly make sure I have control of myself. He does the same. *laughs* neither of us lose it at the same time. One of us has to remain calm!!! I never doubt his love for me. I know he cares about me. Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't still function like a typical man. He does. Only I function like the typical man as well. So who am I to point fingers? yeah. :) People make mistakes. We are here to help them get over those mistakes and try not to make them again. We are supposed to be support to fellow human beings. I can totally see that.

I guess I just wanted to express my thoughts about my baby right now. needed? prolly.

2003-02-25T13:55:00.000-06:00

Check this out!! I put in dudes name that was shot in Southaven. He had all kinds of warrents. See if anyone you know does. Just be nosey!!!!

2003-02-25T13:43:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking about Shenry and my little comments about my past entry.

I went to lunch today with Matthew. We discussed our relationship. I talked about how I want to grow with him, but if he doesn't go the same way, its all good. I know sometimes its easier said then done. But, if you think about it, why would you have someone around that isn't growing with you? Why do you think you need them to survive? How did you live before you met them? THAT is how you will live without them. But, the down side to that is, if someone is just searching, because they don't want to be alone, they can't relate to what I am saying. They can't imagine being alone as a good thing.

I love Matthew VERY much. I feel he is my soul mate. buuuuut, who is to say he isn't my soul mate for right NOW? I mean, as we are growing together right now everything is good. There might come a time that he and I don't have much in common anymore. We might both think and dream about what we could be doing WITHOUT the other. If that happens? Then, we need to communicate about our feelings. Love doesn't die. Its always there. You just love them for who they are. I can't imagine being without him, but that is because I don't want too, so I don't. But, of course, I can truly see myself without him. I remember what my life was like before I met him. Even though I was alone, I wasn't. I dated. I dated LOTS of guys. I tried a variety. I didn't find anyone worth committing too. I had family and friends. I had a life. I will have a life if Matthew leaves mine. I will continue to learn and meet new people. Life is a cycle. It all boils down to how I perceive the situations, and how I make note of them for my daily life.

that brings me to something Carrie, Manda, and I discussed a LONG time ago. Carrie was explaining about handfasting. I didn't understand. I was conditioning love and going by what society calls 'rules'. I felt that if you were going to make a commitment like that you need to stick behind it and REALLY think about it before getting married. I didn't see handfasting as anything more then a copout for people who couldn't commit. Only, people change and grow. Its not a copout. Its a way of saying 'I will be with you as long as I can. If we continue to grow together, I will want to stay. If we don't, then I have to move on where I can continue to grow.' I can't stop Matthew from progressing. Well, I could try at least. But, I wouldn't even do that. I can't stop him from becoming stagnet. I am not saying I wouldn't hurt if he didn't want to be with me anymore. It would hurt, but it wouldn't be life ending. Life will go on. It went on after every guy I dated and thought I loved. I realize now that love doesn't change into anger or hatred. Love is love plain and simple. When I walked away from those guys with those negative emotions I was showing that I really wasn't in love with them like I thought I was. I was pissed for whatever reason, rejection, cheating, lieing, etc. Had I really loved them I could have still loved them as I walked away. I would have walked away to continue to grow. Love is free will. But, love also binds people together too.

Thinking back on my life I realize how cold I was. I was grasping at every guy I met. Then I would become cold if they didn't respond the way I wanted them too. I was immature and resentful. Why would someone want to be with me if I was like that? I wouldn't be with anyone who was like that. *sigh* I did some really stupid things in my time. But, that is ALL water under the bridge now. I am doing better and happier with my life now then ever before. I am strong and independent. I don't have to have anyone to be who I am. I am who I am.

Life works really strange sometimes. Its funny how it tries to teach, and show us things, but we just won't listen. We ignore the BIG picture because its not the way we want it to be. That attitude doesn't change the situation. It only makes it worse. We have to embrace it all. Look at it for what its worth. Step back and realize that there is more then meets the eye. Things happen for a reason. *nods* we just have to realize what the reason is.

2003-02-25T08:56:00.000-06:00

I have been reading that new book. PRETTY interesting. Kinda makes you look at relationships in a different light. A light that most people never think about. It talked about living alone before you get in a serious commitment. That you don't know yourself enough to know what you like and dislike. When you live with someone before you figure yourself out you tend to mirror them. interesting. I think living alone for 3 1/2 years REALLY helped me. I also think me living alone has helped Matthew as well. He saw that I could do it alone, so I am sure that gave him encouragement. He isn't like how Carrie described him when they were together. Now granted, it took him a little while to get out of that frame of thinking. But, after being with me for a few months, his responsibility side REALLY came out. He does all the stuff that I normally had to do. Stuff that I want him to take care of. I wanted him to be the man in the situation. So, I made him do it. He needed it. He needed to learn how to interact and get things done in a timely manner. He had to hold his own. And he has done a wonderful job so far. I am really proud of him. It took him a little while though, because when you have someone who handles EVERYTHING, then all of a sudden you are stuck doing it, I am sure its very hard to adjust. He has learned that you don't rely on anyone but yourself. Now that he has learned that, he can understand the importance of the things he does for *us*. I am usually in control. But, with him I let him be in control. Everything is going fine too. :) I had to let the control go so he can learn how to take control of situation. We swapped roles. It was just as hard for me as for him. He seems happier with the control too. At first I could tell he didn't want it, he was scared, but I pushed it until he took it like medicine. I will NEVER take care of someone so much that after awhile I get resentful towards them. I am not about to let that negative emotion penatrate our relationship. I think we are together to help each other. I think we are here to teach each other. Our relationship is rocky at times, ALL relationship are, but its still healthy. We work on it purposely, so that we can really enjoy our time together. Relationships take work. One sided work isn't enough, you both have to have the same determination. It has to works both ways.

2003-02-25T08:04:00.000-06:00

IT SNOWED!!!! It looks so pretty. :) this time it really did it dude. I am impressed! I just knew those weather forcasters didn't know what they were talking about. *laughs* they are hardly ever right. *sigh* I love this shite. I am not going to school tonight. YIPPPEEE!!!

2003-02-24T09:18:00.000-06:00

This is for it being a Monday.

Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your
Desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you ! get caught sleeping at
your desk.....

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

2003-02-24T07:43:00.000-06:00

This weekend was nice. I really don't care much for Monday's cause I am leaving my baby. :) I enjoy our time together so much its hard to part come Monday. By Friday we will be itching to spend quality time together. It makes me feel all snuggly inside when I think about it.

We went to a flea market it Southaven. We ended up buying a couple of cool rugs to go in the den and dinning room. I bought some milk baths and some good smelling oils. Then we went with Richard and Mel to the Pink Palace, and she cooked for us too!! Kegan had a good time. Dinner was wonderful. The company was too. :) I had a nice weekend. spent too much money, but had a good time nonetheless. My mother and sister came by for a short visit. It was cool. I wished they could have stayed longer. *sigh* I miss my momma. But, like Matthew said, I have a family now so she understands why I can't spend as much time with her. *weak smile* I hope it gets better where I can. Even if she grades on my last nerve sometimes, she is still my mom.

So I had a pretty good UNeventful weekend. nice to wake up and not worry about stuff. I had some deep thoughts and some interesting situations.

I saw a man's arm in the bathroom while I was taking a shower Friday night. I thougth it was Matthew, but when I took a better look I didn't see anything. I was in the shower and I have sheer curtains, I don't like not being able to see the bathroom while I am in there. I happened to notice this random arm swing as if it was closing a cabinet. I look again and there was nothing there. I wasn't scared or anything, just kinda like 'oooookkkkk'

ohhhh my book is in!! I forgot to pick it up Friday after work. So, I am going to go by today at lunch. I am soooooo excited!!

2003-02-21T16:25:00.000-06:00

interesting check it out

2003-02-21T16:14:00.000-06:00

no, really is this day over with yet? I mean come on!!! I am ready to get home and relax. Take a LONG HOT BATH while reading a book. damn, that sounds so good. At the new apartment I take baths all the time. well, I soak for about 30 minutes and then I take a shower. I don't like soap scum on me. I want it to rinse off, not stick to me when I get out. I have noticed with me taking baths more that I don't take that many showers with Matthew. I used to take one every night and day with him. Now I take a bath before school and I don't take one in the morning if I can help it. It dries my skin out to much.

uhhh ok. why am I telling you guys this?

randomness anyone?

I have been thinking. I know the world is tired of me thinking. *grin*

I woke up that night because I heard Kegan say daddy. If I dreamed it why did I wake up as soon as I heard it? I mean instantly. I have the motherly instincts like that. I might be asleep, but that child can wake me with one word. I won't hear anything else, rain, cats knocking shite over, someone knocking on the door. But I wake up when Kegan hollars. I woke up and told Matthew to go check on him. I woke up and didn't question it at all. I heard him. I swear I did. Is it possible that I heard him dreaming??

dream

Last night I dreamed Kegan, Matthew and I were inside the back of a truck. like a movers truck, and the door was open. I saw the ground moving outside, I felt the truck moving. We also had a black cat on there with us. He kept getting close to the open door and looking out. About the time I was telling Matthew that I wanted to grab him, he jumped out. Some how or another I got Kegan to stay with the cat. I don't remember the truck stopping for me to do that, yet I didn't push or throw Kegan out of the truck. So I am not sure how it happened. Then I turned around to see Matthew driving. Don't ask me who was at first. I have no clue. But I got really mad cause he wouldn't stop and turn around. I was freaking out, the kitty was going to get killed!!! someone was going to run him over!! Then I told him that Kegan jumped out to stay with the cat.

then I woke up.

I read that when you die you go into a non-physical dimension. There is no time, or anything stopping you from doing anything. It said that what we see as dreams is like that non-physcial dimension. BUT more intense. Dude. I think that when we die we are in store for a wild ass ride. *nods*

2003-02-21T11:57:00.000-06:00

for some reason I can't type well today. so, pardon the errors. *sigh* its been a long week.

2003-02-21T10:31:00.000-06:00

sometimes there are things you SHOULDN'T know about. there are secrets that need to be kept that way. Why do we feel the need to know them? *sigh*

Yesterday, I told Matthew that I wanted him to pick his brain about ANYTHING that he could have lied to me about. I was giving him one chance to come clean. After that? you know the drill. anyway, today I asked someone a question and then regretted doing it. Not that it embrassed me or that person. Just that it really didn't matter and was very forward. Sometimes mystery is better then reality. But, you can't change it though. After the mystery becomes reality you can't make it a mystery anymore. *pulls out hair* women kill me. some days, I really hate being one.

2003-02-21T09:54:00.000-06:00

So sad!!! I can't imagine what that was like. Those poor people. *sigh* I read in another article that it was two girls fighting that cause them to do that mace. see what happens just cause two girls had issues with each other? MANY innocent people died because of those girls careless behavior.

2003-02-21T08:39:00.000-06:00

ahem. I made a 95 on my test in math. *does the cabbage patch* So far I have a 95 in both classes!!! that is a wonderful way to start off going back!! :)

I am ready for this weekend. I want to relax and kick back with my babies. ALL of them *grin*

I came in last night and Kegan was in bed but he was upset. He wanted to sleep with Matthew's flashlight. I talked to him for a while. His personality is really coming out now. We have been working on talking about what is wrong. We talked about that fact that now that he can say sentences he can tell us what is bothering him. We really encourage that. Well, I asked him what was wrong. He said with all honesty 'I am very upset. Daddy won't let me sleep with the flashlight.' ok, to someone who doesn't know Kegan that well this would be strange for me to discuss. But, Kegan tends to hold things in and just stay upset. Typical three year old stuff. stubborn, sulking, crying, throwing a fit when he doesn't get his way. So, when he said that it just thrilled me! He is telling us how he REALLY feels. YAAAAAAY!!! He had been a pill all night from what Matthew said. So I talked to him for a long time. By the time we were done talking he told his daddy he was sorry for acting that way. He gave him lots of hugs and kisses. He went to bed in a wonderful mood. :) Then, he woke up at 4:30 this morning ready to get up. *laughs* Matthew went and laid down with him so he would go back to sleep. The other night I dreamed I heard Kegan saying daddy. I woke Matthew up and said go check on Kegan he is calling you. *grin* he didn't care much for that when he got back to the room. I SWEAR I heard Kegan calling him. *shakehead* so last night when Kegan called for him he wouldn't get up until he heard him say it again for himself. *dies laughing* my baby. How I love him.

2003-02-20T15:13:00.000-06:00

interesting. someone looking for www.spiraldance.blogspot.com your momma don't dance. It brought up all kinds of date with my blog.

Domain Name KEITH_CROW. (Unknown)
IP Address 138.26.46.# (Various Registries)
Language Setting English
Operating System Microsoft Win2000
Browser Internet Explorer 6.0
Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.0)
Time of Visit Feb 20 2003 2:28:21 pm
Last Page View Feb 20 2003 2:28:21 pm
Visit Length 0 seconds
Page Views 1
Referring URL http://www.google.co...momma+don%27t+dance,
Search Engine: google.com
Search Words: site:www.spir...a don't dance,

Visit Entry Page http://www.spiraldan...aldance_archive.html
Visit Exit Page http://www.spiraldan...aldance_archive.html
Time Zone UTC-6:00
CST - Central Standard Time
CDT - Central Daylight Saving Time
Visitor's Time Feb 20 2003 2:28:21 pm

if you know my site address why search for it dumbass!

2003-02-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

Winter

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

I run off where the DRIFTS GET DEEPER
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't alyways be around"

He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter MELTS
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
SKATING around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be PROUD of me
I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the WHITE HORSES have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Never change

All the white horses
Tori Amos

2003-02-20T10:39:00.000-06:00

little plastic castle

in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day which is every day
i pick up a magazine
which is every magazine
and read a story then forgot it right away

they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
it's hard to say if they are happy
but they don't seem much to mind

from the shape of your shaved head
i recognized your silhoutte
as you walked out of the sun and sat down
and the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people
as they paused to snear at the two girls from out of town

and i said "look at you this morning
you are by far the cutest
but be careful getting coffee
i think these people wanna shoot us
or maybe there's some kind of local competition here
to see who can be the rudest"

people talk about my image
like i come in two dimensions
like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
like what i happen to be wearing the day
that someone takes my picture
is my new statement for all of womankind

i wish they could see us now
in leather bras and rubber shorts
like some ridiculous team uniform
for some ridiculous new sport
quick someone call the girl police
and file a report

in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day which is every day

2003-02-20T10:31:00.000-06:00

AWW HA! Blogger is having problems cause I can't add my sitemeter right now. WTF? I wonder if other bloggers are having problems too.

2003-02-20T09:02:00.000-06:00

I looked up youth villages yesterday to see what it was about. Robynn has made me curious. vewwy interesting.

See one thing that book discusses is that the only way to stop people from performing violent crimes is to work with them about their underlieing issues. It goes on to discuss that we need to help people, so that they will see that they to can have a wonderful life. There is always the choice to change your ways. It never disappears. You can always take another path. We need to display love and help them because they need it. It is our duty as a human being to contribute to our society the love and support that people are desperately needing.

I watched a show on A&E about crimes and it showed how they were caught. One guy was in jail for 5 1/2 years and then they found through DNA that he didn't do it. *sigh* that is so sad. He lost that much of his life because someone put him away for someone elses issues. Now, that doesn't mean that he didn't reap the karma from a past situation of his on making. But, he was still imprisoned for something he didn't do. He came out pissed, hurt, and feeling like a victim. He will turn on society for what they did to him. Is that right? No. He should embrace that situation for what it was worth. It was a lesson. Granted, that is easier said then done, that is called LIFE. But, that would be why he would need counceling. To help him understand that misfortunes happen in life. He was in a situation. That situation didn't make him a killer. He is still the same person he was BEFORE he went to jail. It should be looked at for what it is. It is something that happens. It can either help you grow as a person, or make you pitty yourself and feel like life dealt you the wrong cards.

I want to contribute. Me sitting behind my desk and doing things here at work don't contribute to society. I am just doing a job that supports me. I don't have time to do anything helpful. Why not have a job being helpful and still get paid? Now, I know that a lot of positions might not pay well. That is ok. There is no reason to have to live far above your means. My life is not just about money or prestige. Its about spreading love and understanding to those who need it.

Places like Youth Villages are a wonderful place to start spreading that love. Children can be helped and shown that there are other paths to take. They are easier to help then an adult that has been through so much without any guidence. They have already made solid perceptions about their life and how they are victimized. Children can be shown that one choice made differently can make a drastic change on your life. Adults remember past hurts and then vindiction sets in. Ignorance isn't bliss. Its a copout. Its easier to not think about the results of your actions if you feel like you are a victim. There is more to life then waking up and doing what you DON'T want to do, and then going to bed at night. Children from unhappy, abusive homes have a chance. Adults from an abusive home have a chance. But, why not help the children while they are young so that can become happy adults? Why not show them that it isn't as bad as it seems? Its all in how you REACT to the situation. Your reactions set your stages in life. If you react, you get the aftermath of your actions. period. that is how it is. no if's, and's, or buts. You reap what you sow. Until people realize that, they will not understand why results of the situations happen to them the way the they do.

I want to do something more with my life. I want to be a healer of wounds that can ALWAYS be healed. I want to be an example of a loving, caring, human being. I want to give hope. I want to show that someone does care. It might seem like just one person at first. But, after they open their hearts and trust, they will see many more people who care as well, including themselves.

2003-02-20T07:51:00.000-06:00

ok in other news. I got a 95 on my narrative essay!!!! :) *does the cabbage patch* now we are going to do a descriptive essay. I think I am going to use the information I posted about the girl at Starbucks. That would be VERY descriptive. whatcha think?

2003-02-20T07:47:00.000-06:00

ok notice the jacked shite on my blog?? I mess with this the part right under the archive link on my templete. what is wrong with it that is making it show up on my blog? I can't seem to fix it. *pulls out hair*

YAAAAY!! I fixed it QUICK!

2003-02-19T22:09:00.000-06:00

Ya know, people are rude. I am sorry. its true. why do they have to be mean? this is someone who has OBVIOUS self-esteem issues. He has totally changed his looks. He has some serious hang ups from childhood. Even if he was rich, he was brought up in a unhappy home. He is what happens when someone who is mistreated growing up and has a lot of money. He tried to change himself into someone totally different. Its so sad. I can't believe people talk about it like that. You know he knows he screwed up. He just wanted to be pretty. He didn't mean for it to get this far. He is lonely and sad. WTF?

I can see him molesting children. He had it done to him. I am sorry, but I truly believe that. SOMETHING triggered this to make him this way. He let outside influences control him to this point. He let the media play on his every move. And had his father abusing him growing up. Look at the WHOLE family. I mean he isn't the only one with problems. *sigh* but they attack him the most. He is the weakest. He just wants everyone's love, cause he didn't have it growing up. And now he can't trust others because of his position in life. He has lived over 40 something years and STILL hasn't seen what life is about. He is screaming for help. He only gets ridicule and degrading comments. We are adding to his chaos, cause we don't show compassion. He doesn't believe anyone truly loves him. He screams it from every pore on his body. He doesn't deserve such hateful degrading things said about him. NO ONE does.

our society is so fucked up. it makes me sick.

2003-02-19T21:28:00.000-06:00

two little girls

you were fresh off the boat from virginia
i had a year in new york city under my belt
we met in a dream
we were both 19
i remember where we were standing
i remember how it felt
2 little girls growing out of their training bras
this little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws
2 girls together
just a little less alone
this little girl cries wee wee
all the way home

you were always half crazy, now look at you baby
you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme
love is a piano dropped out a four story window
and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time

i don't like your girlfriend, i blame her
never seen one of your lovers do you so much harm
i loved you first and you know i would prefer
if she didn't empty her syringes into your arm

here comes little naked me padding up to the bathroom door
to find little naked you slumped on the bathroom floor
so i guess i'll just stand here with my back against the wall
while you distill your whole life down to a 911 call (chorus)

so now you bring me your bruises
so i can oh and ah at the display
maybe i'm supposed to make one of my famous jokes that makes everything ok
maybe i'm supposed to be the handsome prince who rides up and unties your hands
or maybe i'm supposed to be the furrow-browed friend who thinks she understands

here comes little naked me......(etc)

2003-02-19T21:00:00.001-06:00

dude that was my song when I graduated. *grin* FL Springbreak. it was on!!!

2003-02-19T21:00:00.000-06:00

*"Puddin Tame" could be a euphemism of "poontang"

( ) = woman's line

Verse 1: Thrill Da Playa
Hey girlfriend, what's yo name? I've been watchin' you all night long
And the way you move that Puddin Tame has really turned me on
So get on the daaaaaance floor, and work it one mo' gen
Push swang that Puddin Tame until the party end
I like when you grab dem hips, and move it down real slow
Round and round with that grindin' motion, down to the floor
I know the panties you wearin' helpin' that thang look fine
It's got to be dem G-string 'cause I ain't seen no panty line
For those of y'all who don't know, just what that Puddin Tame mean,
It's that monkey, that kitty cat, that jumpin' jellybean, baby.

Chorus (2x)
(What's your thing?) Puddin Tame. Ask me again, I'll tell you the same.
(What's your thing?) Puddin Tame. Still the same, ain't nothin' changed.

Bridge:
Some like it in a bowl, some like it on a stick
Some like they Puddin nice and thin, but then some like it thick
No matter how you like it, I love my Puddin Tame
And if you ask me just one mo' gen, I'm still gon' say the same, uh!

Verse 2: The Rottweiler
Yo, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon, jump, just gimme that thang

Some say it's greed, but I just need that good ol' Puddin Tame
Yo, and it ain't hard, and once you start, I won't let ya stop
I want your bowl o' jello, baby; jus' gimme that Puddin-Pop
Now understand if you got a man then, yo, I don't need ya
But if you're alone and got it goin' on, jus' let me freak ya
Now it's about time, I'm down with 6-9, and ain't no shame in my game
Up and down, round and round, even doo-doo brown,
So jus' gimme that Puddin Tame! Uh!

Chorus

Verse 3: Thrill Da Playa
Baby, don't get me wrong; you shakin' dat booty to death
And when I saw that Puddin Tame, I just couldn't help myself!
The way you move that Puddin Tame got things all in my head
It's 69, not TLC, and I Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg!
There's somethin' 'bout that Puddin there
That's different from the others
That one there looks just like, it should be on an album cover
And I don't discriminate, naw, I'm not that type of fella
As long as the Puddin's sweet, I like it chocolate or vanilla
For those of y'all who don't know, just what that Puddin Tame mean,
It's that monkey, baby, that kitty cat, that jumpin' jellybean!

2003-02-19T19:05:00.000-06:00

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands. "He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong w! ith them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

2003-02-19T13:46:00.000-06:00

ok first order of the day. Soy Chai with cinnamon spice is GOOD!! it reminds me of the gingerbread they have at Chrimma time. :) EXCELLENT!!! a must try for you Chai drinkers out there!! *wink*

I just ordered this book today. I would like to learn about that path as well. Matthew has been amazed at how much I have progressed with these last two books I have read. I want to share my joy with him. I want to be able to discuss stuff together. I think this book will help us grow together. I want us to grow together. And so does he. :)

2003-02-19T10:44:00.000-06:00

my patterns of thinking are changing so fast. I feel like I have had a great load taken off of me. Its strange. I am not sure what the load was, but I know I feel lighter. I don't worry about the silly things that I used to dwell on. I just live day to day and I am perfectly happy this way. I have gotten so much more patience that I am just amazed. I used to have ZERO patience. I would fly off the handle is a sec. now? I just go with the flow. I look before I leap.

This weekend I recognized things that normally I wouldn't have noticed.

Sunday I went to work at 1 and was supposed to get off at 5. We were out of there by 3:15. Monday I got to work at 7:45 and left at 4 without taking a lunch. I was feeling so bad both days. When I got home I saw where my teacher canceled our class. So, I got to rest another night. I came to work yesterday. STILL feeling sickly. I made a doctors appointment and I was in and out of there in an hour. So I only worked a half day, got paid for a full and got out of the doctors office QUICK! I got my meds filled, went home and rested before going to class. I went to school and was there for just an hour. I was walking out the door at 6:45. All I had to do was take the test and then leave. SWEET!!

normally, I would have been stressed out from being sick and having so much to do and little time to get things done. I wasn't worried about it. But, when I had good things come out of the situations I noticed them for what they were. breaks. breaks that I would have either taken for granted or never noticed. and they were one after another. how sweet is that? I know I am going to be hit with times of chaos. I will just have to remember that its not as bad as it seems. Things happen. I will live. I will wake up tomorrow and be the same person I am today. ahem. well, hopefully a better person then the day before. *wink*

The way life treats you depends on how you look at it. Had I been stressing and worried I wouldn't have been so thankful for the breaks. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate them for what they are. They were just things that you don't notice. Little things that we take for granted because we EXPECT to have things done our way. Life doesn't go our way. Life goes the way it always goes, its up to us to enjoy it and learn, or hate it and pitty ourselves about it. Victims are only victims cause they let themselves think they are. No one is a victim. Everyone has the opportunity to make more out of their lives. I want to enjoy everything down to the breath I take to live. I want to be aware of my surroundings and how I contribute to them. I want to display myself in a manner that people get a positive outlook on themselves and the situations involving me. I am what I make of myself. I am a good person, just like EVERYONE else. We are just confused and scared. But there is no reason for being that way. Why feel that way? Why feel that you need to stress when there isn't a reason to stress? what does it do for the situation? how does it help you?

Life is beautiful. Love is stronger then any emotion or thought. Feel the pain of life. It makes the rest that much sweeter. I will have many life situations that I can break down and cry about. But I am going to do my best to experience the pain and then let it go. There is so little time to enjoy this life before I go. why waste it on useless feelings and worries? I want to make the best of this life. I want to open myself up to the reality and understanding that I have been avoiding all these years. I want to be awaken to the love of God and love myself the same way I love him. I want to look at others without contemp, hate, jealousy, revenage, or with even with greed. I want to look at everyone with love. I want to experience that feeling running through my veins. I will have it one day too. Because I want it that badly. *nods* its just going to take some time. And lots of lessons.

2003-02-18T16:59:00.000-06:00

I walked into Starbuck's to get my usual Soy Chai with a GOOD shot of cinnamon. I approached a very attractive girl in her mid twenties. She was masculine looking cause of the broadness of her chest. But, with natural feminine look about her. She wore a long sleeve button down white shirt, a spike leather bracelet, and a cool necklace that made her look stout, yet sporty. She had dirty blonde with a blonde streak in the middle. It was all one length hair, so she parted her hair in the middle to emphasize the blonde hair that circled her face. She tucked the sides behind her ears, and the ends were slightly curled up. Great style for her. I placed my order looking her dead in the eyes. She listened carefully and then grabbed a cup to give to the guy that made them. As, she walked away I was looking down for my credit card. When she came back and I was still looking down, but I could feel her anger and irritation hit me like a wall. I instantly looked up at her. She had a strained look on her face. I quietly paid for my drink and thanked her.

I stood back and started watching her. I was thinking about what could have caused her to be that way. I wondered if I did something. I replayed our conversation and thought about how I looked at her. No, it couldn't have been me. I was pleasant and kinda flirty. She wasn't offended by that. I started trying to come up with something to say to her to make her smile. I was playing comments over in my mind. Nothing sounded right at that moment. I was grasping for anything just to show that I saw hurt in her eyes. I wanted to say so badly 'girl, don't let anything make you feel this way. Smile, and enjoy life' I began to think that she might not appreciate a comment. She wasn't paying attention to anyone she was having contact with. You could see it in her eyes. She was thinking about whatever it was that was making her mad or upset. She was looking at people as if she was thinking 'don't get upset, don't let it bother you. Keep a straight face and smile DAMN IT!!'

I started looking around at items you could purchase without really looking. I was watching her out of the corner of my eye. I watched her wait on the next customer. She was pleasant and strained at the same time. That customer turned and walked away without noticing the girl at all. Then, I watched her walk over to a blonde, clean cut guy in his early twenties, who was making everyone's coffee. That is when I saw where the irritation and anger stemmed from. She sat the cup on the coffeemaker as if to say 'HERE!' But, she did it in a way that no one looked up at the noise. At that moment I looked at his face. He carefully hide his concern, except for the eyebrows that just had a hint of 'OK?' and a snap of some fingers, in them. But, it was gone just like that, and he was making coffee again. She never saw that hint. I casually looked around the room. No one was paying attention. Everyone was either talking or looking at other things. No one saw what I just saw. No one saw the exchange of words, without words. I looked back at her and she was still trying to keep her composure for the next customer. She was repeating her unspoken words over again.

He called my drink out and I quickly grabbed it and said 'thanks.' I smiled at him and headed for the door. I never looked back at her. As I got to the car questions started racing though my mind. How long had they been this way? What if I had said something BEFORE I noticed what was going on? What if she had snapped at me for being nice? How would I have handled the situation? Would I have gotten my feelings hurt? Or, would I have snapped back in defense? Would she have appreciated my gesture of love, or nailed me to the wall? Was I wrong for not saying something AFTER I saw a little bit of why she was upset?

I can't explain how close I came to saying something to her. I mean I was throwing comments out left and right. I just wanted to share some happiness. But, instead I just stood back and was 'with' my situation. I saw something I wouldn't have seen had I not stopped and just 'been' with the situation. Had I said something trying to lighten her mood, I could have been attacked for no reason. But, does that make it right? Is avoiding an attack a correct way to spread love? I could have said something that made her day, and in turn, she could have forgotten about whatever was upsetting her? Or I could have just said something to make her feel a little better?

So is this what that book is saying? I was right for just 'being with' and becoming aware of the situation? Was this a lesson for me to learn? That even if I am spreading love that sometimes people aren't going to want it? I still need to spread it, and not get hurt by the attacks of people that might not want it? Just give it out generously, and not be offended by the few who don't want it. But, never stop sharing. So, I was right for standing back and 'being with' in this situation. SO, that the next time I spread love and someone attacks, I will remember this situation and not be hurt. I will remember that there is more to the situation then what you see. My perception might have been a totally different way had I said something and then was attacked. I wouldn't see her with compassion like I do now. I would have seem myself as the victim.

*nods* totally cool. :)

2003-02-18T09:45:00.000-06:00

I had some strange dreams last night. I had the same dream twice. It was about some guy, (I can't place who it was, but I knew him personally) that was trying to kill me. I was hiding in people's houses in a neighborhood and running from yard to yard. BOTH times I was able to call the police and get him caught. I was frantic. I remember people around me being unable to help me. I had to do it all on my own. It was weird that I dreamed it and then woke up, went back to sleep, and dreamed it again. I can't put my finger on who it was though. I just know that I was running for my life. I was scared REAL bad the first time. The second time I was just doing what I had to do to survive. Does that make sense? I wasn't as scared the second time as the first. I remember running through the houses locking doors and running out doors as soon as I heard him coming into the house. I was hauling ass dude. I remember Matthew being there, but I don't remember a conversation or situation. It isn't clear anymore. *sigh*

I am trying to tell myself something. If I dreamed it twice back to back then I am really trying to communicate with myself. I just have to let it come to me. wonder what it is?

2003-02-18T09:04:00.000-06:00

I feel so fucking bad. I want to go home and sleep. This is going to be a loooonnnnggg week. I can already tell. *weak smile*

2003-02-18T08:16:00.000-06:00

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real. Read to the end.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly
and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the
gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively,
the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized
that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly
started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to
think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car
was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to
pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would
go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just
before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and
turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every
time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and
leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered
two shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible,
supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they
realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One
says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, Dats dat idiot wot rode in
our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

2003-02-17T19:38:00.000-06:00

I have so much to say.

first off. Sorry JP and LP. I wasn't thinking. I should have said something earlier. my bad. I kept thinking I said something on here. AND I felt so silly when I saw that I spelled it wrong. *blushing* yes that was the first time I had been there. It rawk'd. I liked the club atmosphere. I am a club girl at heart. It was nice going into a CLEAN bathroom. and ALWAYS having t-paper. I learned that you should always fill extra pockets with t-paper. I don't drip dry. uhhh no. It was kinda cool, I didn't have to go to some shitehole in a bad part of town. No, really, its all worth it though. *laughs* but, that does look fucked up when reading it. :) You would have had fun dudes. There were girls everywhere. :) digits would have been on napkins and in pockets by closing.

Mary didn't spin until 3:30. Surprised? HELL NO. They either do her REAL early or REAL late. and uh no we didn't last that long. I was still sick and Matthew became REALLY sick while we were out. We hung in there though for awhile. I danced. and danced, and danced. and then I danced some more. yeah. it was on. H and L were there. They came up and told me that they had to say hi. I was just as nice back. I can't be mean. I wasn't interested in hanging out. But, I wasn't mean either. It brought up some feelings though. I asked questions and got some answers(internally).

I sowed black and white camouflage under my 22' fatty's. They look cool as shite. I love touching up my clothes. Party clothes are fun. And flowy. I bought enough camouflage material that I can make another pair of pants. I am REALLY thinking about it. *nods* I need to get back into my little hobbies. I just burn myself out after awhile. shrug.

time to get some stuff done. I didn't have to go to school tonight. YAAAAY!! kinda. I was sick last Wednesday, now she is sick. we are all just passing it all around aren't we?

2003-02-17T17:55:00.000-06:00

ok. I need to come up with something for a descriptive essay. I have been thinking about stuff to write about. I think I am going to sit down and type what I am feeling while I am listening to music. This should be interesting. :) I might actually enjoy it.

Do you have any suggestions. Come on Manda think. *grin*